How to recreate every iconic Newcastle night out in your student house

If you’re a Newcastle Uni student, chances are that Lockdown 2.0 means only one thing – the end of daily pub trips and late nights out in the Toon. But worry not, if we have to recreate Market Shaker in the comfort of our dingy lounge then so be it, and here is your one-stop guide on how to do so. Whether you’re a discontented rah in need of your Swingers fix or a basic bitch gagging for the clammy Soho air, we’ve got you covered… these are desperate times, after all.

Bijoux

It’s not a proper Newcastle night out without a cheeky trebs bar for pres. This one is pretty simple to recreate – all you need is some red LED lights, which we could link below but are you really living in a student house if you don’t own a set? Of course, a Geordie Shore cast member who needs to be peeled off the floor would make this lockdown pres experience truly indistinguishable from the real deal, however, a housemate who has had one too many makeshift trebs before 10pm will have to do for the time being.

Swingers

Arguably the most iconic club night of all – what is a Newcastle University experience without Swingers Thursdays? If you have a long corridor in your gaff or, even better, a garden big enough to fit more than a wheelie bin, then the Swingers terrace will never be too far away.

Turn out the lights, grab a roll of toilet paper and those fairy lights from behind your bed and drape them across your ceiling with red LEDs flashing. Now, we know what you’re thinking – something’s missing isn’t it? It wouldn’t be Swingers without the iconic paper smiley faces and huge colourful balls hanging from the ceiling (so easily made with some paper, felt tips and a whole load of imagination). In an ideal world, you’d have a DJ stand at the end of our gardens but, for those of us who have spent our student loans on vintage clothes instead, a Bluetooth speaker blasting the Bee Gees at full volume will have to do. Now, all that is left to do is dust off your favourite pair of flares, pour yourself a drink and have a groovy night.

Soho

For the purposes of this article, we will be recreating the iconic middle floor. However, does it really matter? If you’re in Soho and actually know where you are you’re doing it all wrong sweetie.

This one is pretty simple and, admittedly, requires a little imagination – but once you get a few homemade blue trebs down you, we can guarantee that you won’t really care anyway. First, you’ll need to change those LEDs to flash red and blue and then simply hang some chains or fairy lights precariously from the ceiling. This will preferably be in a room at the top of your stairs so you’re not fully missing out on the staircase experience (you all know which staircase we’re talking about). Bonus points if you mop the floor with Vodka beforehand, because is it really Soho if your feet aren’t stuck to the floor?

Stick on your most basic R&B playlist with the heating on full blast, close your eyes and enjoy a night out in Soho without the chance of any awkward encounters with an old hook up.

Market Shaker

The first step to recreating the iconic Shaker experience without the big crowd and drinks being spilt all over your best Depop jumper is – you guessed it – a set of pink LEDs. These along with a projector on any available blank wall screening (you’ll be too mortal to even notice) will really set the ambience for this iconic night out. This experience would never be complete without neon signs, so go order some on Amazon for a tenner and hang a “Why the fuck can’t I have fun all the time” sign on your wall. Now you’re all set to grab your local girl gang and dance your heart out to the infamous Market Shaker playlist all night long (all night, all night looooong, all night).

Extra respect to anyone who hires a housemate to sell lollies outside the toilet.

Hobo Tuesdays

Now here’s your chance to show off your bartending skills with your own version of Jesmond’s favourite two-for-one. They might not exactly be a famous Hobo Twister, but at least you won’t have to spend half of your night waiting (correction: fighting) for your drinks.

To recreate a Hobo Tuesday you will solely need the darkest, gloomiest room in your house and decorate it with some neon lights and a raised platform that you and your friends can dance on like nobody is watching. Music? Stick on your most random playlist – it can range from Dua Lipa to Stevie Wonder, anything that simply radiates good vibes.

Now it’s the end of the night and that can only mean one thing – takeaway. Whether your preference is a Toon Takeaway or Soho Pizza, all you need is the room in your house with the most unflattering lighting and a working oven to recreate their delicacies. Oven chips with gravy and a Tesco’s own pizza might not be exactly the same, but enough to satisfy the drunk munchies nonetheless. Does it really matter what it is anyway? We can guarantee that you probably won’t even remember having it in the morning.

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Related stories recommended by this writer:

• What does your choice of treb say about you?

• We planned a week’s worth of lockdown activities for you and your housemates

• We asked Newcastle students the funniest things that have happened in online lectures