Dear girls, your Tinder profiles are terrible. Sincerely, all the boys who swiped left.

In a world dominated by dating apps like Tinder and Bumble (and innumerable others), your ability to meet new people is now often dictated by how well you sell yourself online. It's just a shame you're shit at it.

You've taken the first steps, added a few nice pictures, maybe a short bio containing the basics, and voila! But wait… you flick through your chosen photos; the selfie, the group photo, the one Auntie Jane took of you at Beth and Gareth's wedding, and – of course – the one with you cuddling up to the family Labrador. That's when it hits you. The chilling realisation that you – despite all the crazy nights out with the gals – are boring. It's painfully obvious and nothing about your profile says otherwise. The "just here for a laugh!" isn't fooling anyone, those dead eyes say you haven't laughed in years.

So, what do you do? How about adding the tried-and-tested "promise I'm fun haha lol x"? (Please don't ever do that). No, you settle on the joke-filter-selfie. That's hilarious, right? Original, right? Fun, right? No, no, and no. It's also painfully obvious what you're trying to do. What else could you do? Surely a short, witty, and original bio will solve all your woes? But let's face it, you aren't that witty or that original, meaning you will likely join the leagues of other girls that are "wanting to leave the single market before the UK does". Perfect.

Were you born with those dog ears?

We get it, you look cute with a filter; it makes your eyes bigger, covers up any blemishes you may have, and maybe even adds a pair of adorable dog/cat/rabbit/bear ears to boot. Surely there's no harm in having a filter on your pictures, right? Wrong(ish).

There are far too many profiles where every single picture is a selfie with some sort of filter applied to it. Not only does this mean that no one actually has a clue what you look like, but it also indicates that you may not be completely happy with your own appearance. If you aren't confident enough to show 'the real you' then perhaps the superficial world of dating apps isn't for you. After all, imagine the disappointment on your date's face when you rock up without your trademark ears.

Haha! Look how funny I am!

In a similar vein – joke filters. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that make you look like the long-lost cousin of Spongebob Squarepants or Pinocchio. They're funny to maybe send to your friends or family, but do they belong on your Tinder profile?

Guess Who?: The mobile game

Group photos. They serve the important task of showing that your social skills are good enough that other human-beings want to take pictures with you. These other human-beings (see: friends) can also give a better indication as to who you are as a person. But there is a limit. They say a picture can be worth 1000 words, however those words shouldn't be "which bloody one are you?". Us guys like a bit of mystery – we really do – but we're not about to spend 10 minutes of our lives cross-referencing your photos to try and figure out whether you're the fit one or not.

Never have only group photos on your profile. Never.

Drawing a blank

A bio offers the opportunity to break-free from the superficial bonds ingrained in modern dating, but what do you put in it? Leaving it blank only means that you must either be vapid and superficial or a serial killer, right? If you are only after validation or victims, then feel free to leave it blank, but having anything in your bio indicates that you're taking a greater degree of interest from the get-go. But not everyone gets it right…

What's my age again?

You could potentially join the string of geniuses that only include their age, despite the fact it is clearly already visible on their profiles (excluding those where the two differ for whatever reason).

Don't know why I'm on this

There is this classic: "don't really know why I'm on this lol". Don't lie to yourself, we all know you're just wanting to get horizontal like the rest of us.

As you wish, your Majesty.

Princess Syndrome is also very much alive and well within bios up-and-down the country. "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" should be read as "it's your job to make me happy and if I'm not happy then you won't be either". No thanks.

The one with the ex

It is also not the best place to dump all of your emotional baggage. For the girl who had only this in her bio: "to any of my exes reading this i hope a bird shits on you", I hope you're OK, it sounds like you could do with a hug (but definitely not from any of us).

Liking dogs and gin is not a substitute for a personality.

Everyone likes dogs, and if you think a G&T makes you interesting then you're likely as dry and bland as your drink of choice.

Insta Gratification

If your profile consists of just your Instagram handle, or worse, something along the lines of "never on this – message me on insta", this one is for you.

Some people are on Tinder to find love. Some people are on Tinder to hook-up. Some people are on Tinder to do nothing more than boost their Instagram followers. These are the type of people who aspire to be churned out by Love Island so that they can end up promoting teeth-whitening kits and questionable health supplements until their good looks wither off their perfectly-proportioned bodies (I'm totally not bitter).