10 things every Newcastle student will learn when moving into a Jesmond house

i.e. Ten things I hate about Jesmond

So you’ve decided on a slightly shitty place you’ll be living in for the next year, but it’s in Jesmond so you’re safe in the knowledge that you won't be getting mugged on your way back from a night out in Toon.

You’re going to be living in the poshest place in Newcastle so can officially look down on the Heatoner’s like the hierarchy rules. After making it through first year it’s the next adventure in uni life.

But brace yourself, Jesmond isn’t all fancy houses, classy drinks on Osborne road and scenic strolls to Jesmond Dene. Moving to Jesmond comes with its own fair share of surprises, and I’m here to shed some light on a few.

1. The landlord doesn’t give a shit about your problems

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They gave you a nice, friendly tour of the place and seemed relatively interested in your plans. You soon learn that was bullshit, and all they wanted was your money.

A week into living at your new place you’ve learned the hard way. Your washing machine, oven, microwave, shower and everything else which are pretty much needed don’t work. But I guess it’s fine because the landlord is there to sort it out?

Apparently not, if you even manage to get in touch with them you get a dismissive "have you tried *insert something you’ve already done which has not solved the problem*?", or at best a "we’ll get someone out to look at it". The mysterious fix-it man must be invisible because he never manages to make an appearance, so you’re left with a bunch of crap which doesn’t work.

2. Sorting bills is a nightmare

Why didn’t they teach us how to do bills in school?! No one has any idea what they’re doing so you’ve got two options: you either take the easy route, cop out and go with a bill-sharer if you don’t mind one less meal a week to pay for it. Or you get that one organised person in your flat (if you’re lucky enough to have one) to do their calculations on endless sheets of paper to get it sorted.

If neither of these options happen you’ll spend weeks using the water, heating and electric never actually sorting anything but just hoping for the best. You eventually get billed and it’s a pretty darn hefty one. Better up that overdraft.

3. You regret taking the location of your first year place for granted

After a week of Freshers' which was nowhere near as good as first time round it's time to get back to uni. And it's now that you ask yourself why the hell you’re literally paying more money to be in a place which takes twice as long to get to uni. The 9am starts stop happening because it means getting up at 7am. You’ve got two choices: a half an hour trek in the northern rain everyday, or forking out £25 a month to get the rammed, sweaty metro every morning. Who needs food anyway?

4. Everyone dresses and talks like a rah

Puffas, ciggies and flares at the ready everyone *yawn*, Jesmond is Swingers on crack.

5. The bars on Osborne road will provide some much needed respite from the stresses of uni life

The strain of second year starts taking its toll after the first week. You'll need something you can go to one night a week to relieve some stress and have some downtime. The societies you tried out in first year have been forgotten about and are too much of a faff to go to anyway. So instead you decide to go and drink your troubles away at your chosen bar on Osborne Road. There are plenty to choose from and you’ll have decided your favourite after the first week. It's cheap, cheerful and best of all serves alcohol. After Tesco, it’s your go-to supplier.

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6. The houses are freezing so you’ll need some layers, because you won't be putting the heating on with them bills

Brace yourself for winter. The houses are the same temperature as the freezing outdoors and because of the crippling student debt you can't afford to put your heating on for long enough to make a difference. You can see your breath and can barely feel your toes, so get a warm cuppa and put on as many layers as you can.

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7. Tesco is a life saver

With the workload increasing you rarely have any time to organise your life. When you look in the fridge there’s one measly indeterminable thing sitting alone on the middle of your shelf, and it's almost definitely a few weeks out of date.

Tesco is at the end of the road and it's open till 11pm ready to hook you up with a ready meal and maybe some alcohol to top up your stash (no food is okay but god forbid you should ever have no alcohol left), or you can pop to Sainsbury’s for a slightly better meal at double the price. You’ll do that proper shop which your parents keep pestering you about next week, right?

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8. You'll have to get used to surviving on four hours sleep

Getting your eight hours in Jesmond on a regular basis is no mean feet. You can hear your neighbours’s 2am chats, and it feels like there's someone thumping against your walls whenever anyone is moving around. If all that wasn’t enough you can hear music from each house on the two adjacent streets next to yours, all combined into one chaotic racket which equates to sleepless nights and endless coffees to get you through the following day.

9. There’ll be plenty of housemate fallouts, oh and two are sleeping together

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You were all set on the group you’ve decided to live with and perhaps were naive to think that it would all be plain-sailing, but it turns out the boat is pretty much sinking and you’re all in it. Whether it’s about the milk-stealing, the (non-existent) cleaning or the money you didn’t get back, there’ll be arguments, guaranteed. You want to scream at the lazy one who refuses to lift a finger and wonder why you ever wanted to live with that annoying one who doesn't know when to shut up. If you’re in a mixed flat of more than eight get ready for some loud, suspicious noises coming from one of the rooms. And when one cheats it’ll make the already growing tension that bit worse. Better luck choosing your flatmates next time…

10. Everything is disgusting

The already dipping cleanliness of your gaff in first year somehow manages to get a whole lot worse. Every surface has a layer of god-knows-what on it and the dishes aren’t getting done (if only that freaking dishwasher would get fixed) *cough cough HELLO landlord*. Cooking anything generally requires a military cleaning operation so you opt for a microwave meal with that fork you haven’t washed but at least you know that the gunk on it is yours. Kim and Aggie, eat your hearts out.

It's fair to say that living in Jesmond is going to be A LOT different to your crib in first year. Yeah it’s pretty posh, but can I maybe just go back to living in halls?

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