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It’s time someone said it: The Robbo is the best club in Newcastle

All nighters @ The Robbo

It’s January. Life sucks. Even hard core freshers haven’t been out for a week. Everyone is revising, and the ground floor of the Robbo at lunchtime looks like the queue for Glasto, the only alcohol consumed is to drown your sorrows and MD has been swapped for Modafinil.

Well worry not, I am here to calm your exam nerves and introduce a new great day AND night at Newcastle’s coolest club. The Robbo.

1. It's free entry

Get out your ID (student card) and try to pretend to the bouncers (security guards at the front desk) that you have your life together. This time you’re not trying to prove you’re sober enough, you’re trying to convince them that you did once have fun. These bags under my eyes? That’s not lack of sleep from stressing, it’s from this night out I had. In 2017.

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2. Choose your floor

All nighters @ The Robbo has four floors. What do you fancy? The basement? You could easily be in MSA with its lack of windows and edgy brick walls. Or maybe the ground floor? It’s basically Perdu – no one is there to do any work, just like no one goes to Perdu for a good night out. Do you even know anyone who sits on the ground floor? Cos I don’t know anyone who goes to Perdu.

If you climb the single flight of stairs to the third floor you reach the first floor of Soho, a nice, social environment. You’re bound to bump into everyone you met in halls and that random girl on your course who you went for lunch with in Freshers' Week.

And if you can really be bothered to go up another floor you’ll find yourself in the Cut. One for the die hards who have been going out (to the library) in Newcastle for so long, that they had to mix things up and try somewhere new.

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3. Queues

Just like the queue for 90p entry at Digi Mondays, you need to be in the queue early for the 11am coffee rush. Alright, you’ll be spending the equivalent of a WKD in Flares on a week night on your caffeine fix, but it will get you through the bleak few hours until lunch. Whack on the cheesy tunes and you might even persuade yourself you’re on the light up dance floor.

4. Food run, 2pm or 2am?

Is it lunch time or has Trop just closed? Either way it is time to make your pilgrimage into town for food. A cheeky Boots meal deal: not quite cheesy chips but almost. For the big spender there’s always Pret, just like there’s always Maccies, and the queues are pretty similar. And if you’re really missing that take-away-food-in-a-polystyrene-box-with-a-plastic-fork vibe, get yourself a jacket potato from eat4less.

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5. Library boyfriend/girlfriend

You’re in the smoking area with your friends, discussing how the boy with the Adidas jumper sitting next to you asked to use your plug socket today when his wasn’t working. When suddenly you look up and spy a total 10 looking straight at you. He’s gorgeous. A real Jesmond boy, you’ve definitely seen him in Blanc.

Puffa jacket, Nike Air Max and a tan that screams "I went skiing at Christmas". He’s perfect. Just like in the club you spend the next hours (days) accidentally walking past him (his desk) pretending to go to the toilet (the printers), making as much eye contact at the bar (in the cafe) as possible. You’re absolutely certain he loves you too. This time it's going to happen. This one is different to the others.

Until eventually you see him walking (going) home with that girl he always sits with in the café. He was just the same as all the others. Your heart is broken.

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When you see your library boyfriend getting with someone else

6. Photos

We’ve all woken up the next morning to see we’ve been tagged in Chris Gray’s photos from Soho. 99 per cent of the time they are horrendous and a quick untag is in order. Similarly, we’ve all been tagged in that classic "I’m having a break down in the Robbo snap", and the untag is just as swift.

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7. Sex in a study room

We’ve all heard stories of people having sex in the club toilet. We’ve also all heard stories of people having sex in a library study room. But have you ever actually met someone who’s done it? Nope. Because it's all just a rumour.

If you’re in the club toilet for a long period of time it's either because you’re throwing up, or because you’re pouring your heart out to someone you just met and she’s convincing you he wasn’t good enough for you. Similarly, if you’re in the library in the small hours you probably aren’t in a fit state to sleep with anyone. It’s all lies.

8. Passing out/falling asleep

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Whether it's the Trebs hitting or that you got up at 7.30am to bag your seat, having a nap in the Robbo is just like all those times your look over at your friend passed out on one of the sofas in Sinners.