Pimp your yard: Jesmond student garden competition

The bigger the bush, the bigger the hoe

The JSA, or otherwise know as the ‘Jesmond Association Residents’ have embarked upon a new scheme, which targets the students of Jesmond. They have come up with a ‘Glorious Gardens’ competition, which involves students making an effort to take pride in their garden, whether that be planting flowers or jazzing up the hedges.

It's about time the inherent hostility between students and their neighbours is breached – and what better way for a relationship to be formed than over the joys of alcohol. After all the bible does state to ‘Drink and be merry!’. The competition will take place in May 2018 and prizes for first, second and third places will be rewarded to the most alluring student terraced gardens. Included amongst the prizes is a crate full of Wylam brewery beer. Need I say more…

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Students are known to smoke pot every once in a while…the illegal kind. How terribly naughty. But what about the legal kind of pot? By this I mean those we plant in that strange thing often referred to by people as a ‘garden’. Most of us in Jesmond have gardens, as in that fag encrusted, concrete cess pit outside your house. Do you not think that little space is yearning for some sweet, tender love and care?

When I think of gardening the synonyms that spring to mine are that of “geriatrics” and “mid life crisis sufferers”. I suppose the thought of taming that wild mulberry bush outside really doesn't tickle your pickle! But it shouldn’t be that way, especially within the student ghetto we have created here in Jesmond.

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From this…

If I’m honest, I think most of us would want to be tucked up in bed scoffing a packet of chocolate fingers and binging on politically incorrect reality shows…But why not make your chocolate fingers green ones and spice up the British weathers’ doom and gloom by making that back garden bloom.

Quit being a Ganjaneur and transform into a green fingered entrepreneur. If we put the same effort into rolling our cigarettes as we do in our garden, then by spring we will have jungle. I know its hard to believe that a world exists outside our little bubble, but unfortunately reality has to burst it at some point.

Almost there…

Normal people. I repeat, NORMAL people, do live all around us. They aren’t just avatars living in our virtual reality, they are fully functioning and susceptible to feelings…Imagine living in your eight-bedroom manor in Surrey, situated amongst the stunningly groomed pastures, the finest topiary dotted all-over. Bliss…But wait, some local scallywag has made their way onto your grounds and is disposing of their dirty litter! GASP! Of course, your natural reaction is to call Horatio the butler to shoo the scallywag away!

Oh dear, it seems you’re not in Surrey anymore Jemima. You’re on the streets of Jesmond, exposed to the local folk. DISASTER. Sorry Mima, I think its time you gave something back to these residents, who often fear our hostile, barbaric, eco-hateful kind.

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To this!!! Green and manicured

All satire aside, taking care of your environment has many benefits, both for yourself and others around you. You don’t want to wake with a hangover to be faced with a garden filled with bottles full of last nights’ regret. No. You want to wake up and smell the roses sweet cheeks!

I’m not hear to give you some free love for all and let’s save the planet malarkey, but you’ve seen the Attenborough trilogies, we love to watch it, but why don’t we get out and live it?