We guessed your sex position based on your favourite Newcastle club

Let’s talk about sex baby…

Soho: your first time

Most people have done it, experiences vary from relatively pleasant to something not worth remembering. No-one told you that you were supposed to order that blueberry treble!? For some, a night of pleasure, for others, regret. It's guaranteed to get uncomfortably sticky, and you'll feel like you need a baptism the second you get back to your lonely, quiet room. A shower will do.

Club Trop: missionary

You're a first year and you're predictable. You haven't experimented that much yet or discovered much of the Toon. It's sweaty and a bit of a messy night, you're both pretty drunk so no fireworks are going to be caused by this encounter. At this stage you're happy with comfortable, minimal effort sex. You know they will always play a bit of JB in Trop, just as you know missionary will bring you some level of satisfaction. It's run of the mill and comfortable, but hey there's nothing wrong with that. Don't worry, one day you'll be adventurous and try out Digi Monday's or feel more confident with the hardcore Cosmic. For now, stay safe and stick with the classic routine of a bit of Trop then missionary.

Tiger: too drunk to perform

No-one goes to Tiger Tiger to find the love of their life. People go to Tiger for one reason: a one night stand. You get wasted on your sports social or downing trebles in Sinners and before you know it you've entered the club with the sole purpose to find someone for the night. A drunken state you begin to check out the potential, suddenly you find someone doing the exact same thing. Both of you are alright and seem keen. Time to ditch the club and head home. When you get back, however, you've both deteriorated and sadly your new-found man is unable to perform. The sex, like the night in Tiger, was a complete waste of time.

Digi: cowgirl

You've spent far too long making sure your make up is perfect to let a solid four ruin it. Cowgirl ensures no smudges and revelation of your true baby face. You've pulled multiple guys already that night, but you have your eye set on that one promoter with the puffer jacket who said he'd see you in there. Unfortunately he went home with someone else so you've been left with that guy who bought you a blue WKD earlier. Let's be honest, you'd rather be facing his Pulp Fiction poster than this guy whose name you don't even remember…you aren't proud of this pull because not only is it him but also you have to do all the work anyway.

MSA: reverse cowgirl

MSA is a sweaty tangle of bodies, quite like your favourite reverse cowgirl. It’s like other places, but the cheap drinks taste nice and the music is decent. It’s the edgy cowgirl – you’re going to pull an Adidas jumper off your partner when you get home. It’s a good Soho replacement – you can spend all night there or just go for a bit before moving onto something else. But with the low ceiling and tiny smoking area, maybe wait until you’re back in Jesmond before getting it on and trying the move itself.
Sadly, the boys you find in MSA are just so fit that they make you do all the work.

Tup Tup: doggy style

Easy, there's no denying that Tup is doggy. It's the best sex position for twats. The boys you meet in Tup Tup don't want to look at you while they they're at it, they're much too cool for that. It the sex position for those at Playground who think they're too high and mighty to interact with the rest of us. It's also always so fucking rammed you feel like an animal being herded through the club.

WHQ: experimental sex

WHQ welcomes in its warm embrace individuals seeking to experience their night on a plane above the norm. You may find yourself viewing the world from angles you didn't think were quite possible, and discover your mouth can move in a way you didn't even know existed. You'll look back, relatively unsure as to what the night before could be actually defined as. Fun, though.

Swingers: threesome

Swingers has got to involve more than two people, it's in the name. If you're one of those people who love Swingers, you are always up for a laugh and loads of fun with your friends. You are probably very confident in bed too. In Swingers, however, anything can happen. Those so called 'friends' can turn into something more as you seductively share a cig in the smoking area. You've never thought about it before, but hey you're in Swingers and it just seems so right, after a Thursday night, to introduce another member to the party. Your friends think you're edgy so you have that rep to uphold. You do so by introducing weird things mid act, like ice. So at 4am you flamboyantly go to the kitchen, wearing nothing but your birthday suit, to retrieve the ice. Some things don't always turn out the way you imagine when your flat are in the kitchen and you manage to drop the ice, making a total fool out of yourself whilst trying to be kinky. This encounter is mentioned every pres.

Cosmic: hardcore S&M

You like a bit of illegal activity and the thrill of doing something unconventional. You pay money for tickets to sick events and for props that you really feel can make the night one to remember. The girls in Cosmic are exotic in their gap yah threads and glittered faces, just as exotic as the leather costume you've bought to turn your man on. At Cosmic you're on a mad one and just can't stop. Who knew that being tied to a headboard is turning out to be your new fav thing, just like this DJ that you never knew you loved. Sweat is pouring out of every known orifice, but who cares? Granted it's a one off experience, but when you go there you FUCKING LOVE IT.

Riverside: anal

You secretly love it but you're too embarrassed to admit it. You tell your housemates that you're meeting your friends at Soho. In reality, however, you get an Uber straight down to Riverside because you know that nobody you know is going to be there and nobody in that club is going to turn you down. You've still got that nice boy/girl rep to uphold but need to get your needs sorted. Riverside? Sorted. You will probably kick them out at a harsh hour of the morning just to be extra sure nobody makes contact with him/her. You aren't even sore the next day.

Photo credit: Chris Gray Photography – Soho Rooms, Club Trop, Eleanor Weitzer – Off the Record, Aaron Shaquille Carlton – Swingers and Playground

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