Ten things that can get you that almost-free Waitrose coffee

No more are the days where free coffee is just a hop skip and a jump into middle-class utopia away; Waitrose have cancelled the abundance of free hot bevs as a way of putting off ‘freeloaders’ (aka every student, ever) and as a result, have pissed off the entire country. For years, students have been on the brink of caving into their ever-looming hangover and been saved by their cherished My Waitrose Card, injecting them with a healthy kick of free caffeine. However, don’t quietly sob into your saved disposable Waitrose cup yet, we can (and will) beat the system.

The Waitrose team have stated that a free coffee is available, but only with a purchase. Okay not too bad, you think, but the sneaky bastards have added more conditions: there are certain products that do not qualify. Firstly, the 5p bag does not count – which environmentally is a good thing, and would have devalued the entire point of the 5p cost implemented last year to encourage customers to recycle bags. There are an entire bunch of products that aren’t eligible too, such as tobacco, any kind of top-up voucher, lottery tickets, car park charges, cash-back, stamps and infant milk formulae. To be fair, unless you’re still stuck in 1999 where sending letters is an actual thing, or a mother breastfeeding where coffee would be ill-advised anyway, you’re not going to be totally distraught by the exclusions to the free drink.

So, what CAN you buy which is both cheap and useful for students? I’ve devised a list of 10 products under 50p which can get you that little bit closer to being a functional human being pre-9am lecture:

Three pence

One singular brussel sprout. Sprouts are undeniably vile, and unless you’re that kill-joy at Christmas that suggests that sprouts are actually edible (you’re wrong) they don’t come into much use on a regular day for a student. However, these miniature cabbage impersonators cost just 3p in Waitrose! The only downside of this suggestion is that you will 100% look like a complete free-loading dick carrying a see-through vegetable bag with one measly sprout to the counter. There will definitely be a yummy mummy shaking her head, whispering ‘Oh, how morally corrupt!’ into her Cath Kidson floral phone case whilst reaching for the ‘essential’ vermicelli nests.

Eight pence

Similarly, if you’re going down the morally corrupt singular veg route, carrots are 8p here, so if it’s more likely that you can stomach a carrot more than a sprout, this option is for you.

Fifteen pence

An oatmeal gingerbread man. Need a snack with your free coffee? Look no further, 15p provides both for you plus it’s oatmeal so you’re basically eating porridge.

Twenty-three pence

Tin of baked beans. This can of pure heaven really epitomises student life. On toast, on a baked potato, on pasta, for breakfast lunch or dinner, the baked bean is the solution to all student culinary issues.

Thirty-two pence

A kiwi. This is a slightly more acceptable option for fresh veg, although there is that dilemma of how to eat them on the go (unless you’re a savage that eats the skin, which in that case please put the kiwi back in shame).

Thirty-six pence

A Dip Dab. Stir your inner-Noughties’ kid and embrace that Sherberty snack.

Fourty-five pence 

Wrigley’s chewing gum. Avoiding coffee breath, tick. Avoiding any lingering alcohol scent, tick.

A can of coke. Just like Pepsi can cure world peace and global equality, Coca Cola can cure your coffee deficiency and is also a pres drink option.

Fifty pence

Tonic water. Although if you really think about it, it’s just slightly dodgy tasting fizzy water, it is a useful pres drink if you’ve already invested in a bottle of the discounted Tesco’s Own Gin.

Shippham’s salmon spread. This might be the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever seen, but then again when in Waitrose do it like the upper-middle class, Foie gras-eating, tweed-wearing, Champagne-sipping shoppers do?

So there you go, cheat the ban and continue in your almost-free coffee glory, whilst also feeling incredibly smug on your thriftiness to fuck the system.