How to be the quintessential Jesmonder

Put down your Waitrose coffee and read this


Jesmond isn’t just a place where the majority of students live in Newcastle. Jesmond is a way of life. There are key aspects to this, from the way you dress to your behaviour in Tesco. These are the vital guidelines you must follow to become an exemplary member of this unique student community.

Fashion

This really matters. Being the perfect Jesmonder is only possible if you look the part. To be instantly recognisable as an Osborne Road regular, these garms are essential to your wardrobe.

Boys

Firstly, a North Face puffer-jacket is crucial. If you think this is out of your limited price bracket, ring your home-counties-based Mum, tell her how freezing the North East really is and she’ll sort you out. In addition to this, an oversized sports jumper from the 90s is a staple; you get extra ‘rah’ points if there is a reference to a ski resort on it. Don’t forget, this jumper should never, ever be washed – if it starts to smell, drench it in your Hugo Boss aftershave.

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Spotted: Jesmonder in the Robbo

If you’re feeling smart, a vintage Ralph Lauren shirt never goes amiss, but make sure it matches your edgy baseball cap. Text your mates to make sure they aren’t wearing the same colour hat; it would be embarrassing if you all looked the same, wouldn’t it? Chuck on either loafers or some Nike Air Maxes and you’re ready to hit Ozzy road. Now, where’s that signet ring?

Girls

Weirdly similar to the boys fashion in most respects, but with some subtle but crucial differences. In terms of day wear, you must always be sporting gym kit so that you’re fully prepared for a workout that you never actually turn up for. Evening wear consists of gold hoop earrings ( or rose gold if you’re feeling fancy) and usually a poloneck jumper. If your hair isn’t two French plaits, you’re missing a trick because this means you don’t have to wash it.

Whip on some boyfriend cut jeans, even though your actual boyfriend definitely wears skinnier jeans than you, and slip on your Nike Air Force Ones. Complete the look, of course, with a Canada Goose coat. Aren’t you a trendsetter?

A packet of baccy in your jeans back pocket is mandatory for both sexes. Everyone must know that you only smoke rollies because you ‘can’t afford’ straights. In reality you can, they just make you cough more.

Osborne Road etiquette

If you’re not socialising in the smoking areas of Ozzy on most nights during the week, you need to get your numbers up. This a vital aspect of being a BNIJ (Big Name In Jesmond) and one that should become ritual. This is what to do and where to go.

Drink of choice

This is pivotal. The libation you order is of paramount importance to your Jesmond know-how. Firstly, you can never look out of place with a pint of the cheapest lager that the bar sells. This is the go-to, staple option. However, a double G&T or a jar of Vardy’s cider can add an air of suaveness to your beverage game. Avoid drinks like vodka and coke or the odd Jagerbomb; this is for freshers in nightclubs only.

All day sessions

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Hunker down for some pints

Whether its £2 Tuesday or Thirsty Thursday, get yourself in to either Osbornes or Blanc. Yes, you should probably be in the Robbo. But you’ve already skipped Monday’s lecture (you legend), so what’s another day on the sesh? Not only are the prices really cheap, but you also get the reputation you deserve as a borderline alcoholic. Make sure you spend most time sat in the outside area so that you are spied by impressed passers-by.

Going for cocktails

When your bored of pints and G&T’s, be sophisticated and pretend to go for expensive mojitos at 97 and Social. Really, you’re just getting hammered on the half price Thursday, but if you Instagram it on a Friday your followers will think you paid full price. Hey, big spender.

Food shopping

There is an array of choice in terms of food shopping, but, the accustomed Jesmonder follows these vital steps.

The Tesco reduced section

It is fiercely competitive. Make sure you get there before 6, or its gone-off yoghurt for dinner. If you do manage to barge your way past some local grannies to the holy grail of fridge space, feel chuffed with yourself when you walk with rather funky smoked haddock and brown asparagus for 10p cheaper than usual. Celebrate by getting a few rounds in on Osborne Road. Money well spent.

Waitrose (‘Trose)

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Luscious latte whilst you purchase groceries?

This emporium should be frequented at the beginning of one’s student loan. Whether you are purchasing ‘essential’ cocount milk or purveying the latest treats in the vegan-only section, do so with a sumptuous mocha free of charge. Fifty pounds may be exhausted from your person on quinoa and quail’s eggs, but doesn’t the free beverage you can fetch with a Waitrose card just crown a delightful shopping experience?

Bid good day to the security guard as he wishes you a pleasant afternoon on departure. Once home, lament the frightful situation that the lovely chap from Lonsdale Stores finds himself in with so much competition, and falsely pledge on your Twitter feed to attend his store more regularly.

House

House conduct and interior design is a big part of making people aware of your creative flair. As soon as people step through your door on to your carpet of leaflets, there are certain things they will expect to see. Round up your flatmates and discuss these steps seriously.

Buy a Mandala

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Order a few of these bad boys from eBay for a tenner, and spread them all over your communal lounge walls. If anyone asks, they were handed to you by a generous monk when you were finding yourself in Bali. They make you feel so zen – perfect for pretending that you also do yoga in your own house on a regular basis.

Use next door’s bin every time without fail

Fairly self-explanatory. You have to be sneaky about this though, or they will hold on to that Asos package you ordered for a good while before telling you. You don’t want your new denim dungarees to be late, do you? Best to put all those empty bottles from pre’s a few doors down.

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Hello, neighbour

Host an absolutely mad party that makes it in to a national newspaper

You’ve heard of the S&M party and the Kinky Ken and Barbie bash that made the Daily Mirror. Why not have one of your own? Get soundproofing, employ a bouncer and get your mate who’s alright on the decks to spin some bangers. Just make sure that your Mum doesn’t see the Facebook photos. Yes, The Tab counts as a national.

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Have a picture with all your flatmates outside your house

Better if you can get this done on a polaroid camera to stick to your fridge. A happy Jesmond student family pic should bring in a fair few likes on social media, and gloss over the argument you had about heating prices last week.

So there you have it. Refill that wardrobe, get supermarket savvy and throw a massive party. The simple steps to being the quintessential Jesmonder.

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