Funky Cow, Rosie’s and other precious memories from growing up in Chester

The least quaint hometown in the UK


Country Living magazines and naïve tourists tell us that Chester is a quaint and beautiful city.

But only true Che town citizens know about the surprising amount of ratchet activity that takes place here, mainly under the influence of a Bazzalad or three. Growing up in such a small city was a struggle for those that have made regrettable decisions on third floor Rosie’s (e.g. everyone) because everyone you know will have seen you do it.

But other than that growing up here gave us a lot of great mems, mainly of the good old days when going into town and spending at least five hours going from one coffee shop to another was considered the best way to spend the weekend.

Our only two clubs have been called the worst in the UK, but we love them

One of the best things about Chester has got to be our nightlife. We’ve had our two only clubs appear on the worst clubs in the UK list already. But there’s something special about a night out in Chester and we just can’t resist it.

Back in the glorious days of three-in-a-bed, when you were still 17 and borrowing your mate’s sister’s cousin’s ID, you probably went to Havana’s, Missoula and then hit the King of all things nightlife that is Rosie’s. You’d stick around in Popworld for as long as you could stand it (long enough for you to get on the pole and embarrass yourself completely), before heading over to the bar and knocking down some gas chambers. Then, of course, you’d hit third floor for its nightly rendition of the RnB favourite ‘Bump ‘n Grind’. Unless you were feeling especially ketty then the second floor strobes were the one for you. This seemed like the best night ever… then that whole girls-dressed-up-as-Twin-Towers thing happened and you were forced to look at Rosie’s in the cold light of day. One out of our two only clubs was the scene of a worldwide scandal and you realised that this was actually pretty embarrassing for everyone involved.

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And the annual Christmas Cruise

But there was still the annual Christmas Cruise which you could enjoy without shame – where else could you see all your old primary school mates, first kisses and former BFFs all in one place at the same time? Some Bazzalads and EDM later and you were well on your way to enjoying the best Christmas party of your life.

Getting your picture on the board at Funky Cow

Everyone went through that awkward stage when we though that getting our picture on the board in Funky Cow was the epitome of cool. We sauntered down there after a long, hard day of year 8, ordered a Skittle and Millions milkshake and immediately regretted it. Now you only head over there if you’re feeling particularly quirky that day or if Starbs is too busy.

Posing with miklshakes as you do

Posing with milkshakes as you do

Afternoons flirting in Grovesnor park

Ahhh Grovesnor Park. Who were you if you didn’t come here with your squad and sit round in a circle for the entire afternoon? There was always a strong smell of hash floating around here in the summer, as many 14 year olds liked to pretend they were Bob Marley, while trying really hard not to whitey. Looking back you probably have about 500 pictures and numerous Facebook albums dedicated to these very uneventful trips here, mainly featuring close ups of streaky fake tan and v unflattering selfies.

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‘Do you think he’ll like it?’

Hickory’s

Every Chester local knows the deal with Hickory’s – anyone who’s anyone was there. It was the social hub of every year 11, especially during the summer where the only place to be seen was outside on the patio. Hickory’s was the prime place to try and get a sneaky underage beverage, although you were definitely rejected every time you tried so you settled for a portion of pulled pork nachos instead. The grape soda’s served here was what life was all about, which you’d sip on while trying to ignore that guy you went out with in year 9.

That time we were actually served - cue 100000 pics of us with drinks

That time we were actually served – cue 100000 pics of us with drinks

Chester Races

Chester Races is like something you have never seen before. Bountiful amounts of Scouse women wobbling around in heels after a few too many wines and LADs all dressed up in their now beer stained suits who were so sure they were going to earn some major dollar from their bet on Humble Glory. It was a great day out until walking around in heels for four hours started to take its toll and you were sure that arthritis had come early. Then it inevitably rained and you had to leave early which you incessantly complained about with your friends, while secretly glad you got to take those bloody heels off as soon as you got home.

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Cute kitty heels

So even though we may look back on our former lives and cringe, we loved it at the time and wouldn’t change it for anything. I mean would you ever give back that hot dog you got from Rosie’s that one night? No, didn’t think so.