Which of these people did you become after you broke up with your boyfriend?

With summer rapidly approaching and the threat of long-distance love looming, many people are choosing to opt out of three months of whispering sweet nothings through Skype to their other half, and are instead abruptly ending their uni romances.

While the guys who have been ditched seem to follow a definite pattern of grieving for their lost relationship (crying, drinking and banging) the newly single ladies take vastly different approaches. Some go into complete meltdown, while others could not be more grateful for the opportunity to embrace their inner-wild child.

The traditionalist

These girls have a very specific formula for surviving the emotional heartache which accompany breakups, a method which is undoubtably the result of being raised on American sitcoms and Bridget Jones films.

First, they cry and eat their bodyweight in ice-cream. Then, they ceremoniously burn every Valentine’s day card, cinema ticket and photograph which remind them of their failed relationship. An extreme make-over follows this, often followed by more tears (because cutting your hair short is never a good idea, particularly when you’re already distressed (trust me on this one)). Finally, the newly-crowned singleton heads out to town and gets so drunk that their liver actually hurts for a solid week.

It’s a ritual which has been followed by girls for generations, though the success rate of it should really be questioned. After all, who wants to be spotted buying Ben and Jerry’s at 9pm with hair like Miley Cyrus, smelling like a mixture of vodka and a bonfire?

The misguided optimist

Everyone knows that one girl who, despite the overwhelming evidence that her and her ex are never getting back together, simply refuses to believe it.

This girl is so sure that her ex was just experiencing a momentary lapse of judgment when he decided to call it quits. She will do everything in her power to make sure that her beloved won’t – and can’t –  move on. She will text constantly, pop round for visits uninvited, and by complete coincidence always seem to be at the same bar or club as her beau.

Desperate? Yes, but also very effective. After all, when was the last time you managed to pull a hottie whilst your ex is draped over you?

The voluntary amnesiac

Masters of the cold-shoulder, these girls think that the best way to move on is to completely erase their ex from their lives. The Facebook is blocked, photos untagged, and phone number deleted  – all before their ex has even hung-up following “that conversation”.

If it wasn’t for a forgotten bottle of Lynx Africa in the bathroom, the Voluntary Amnesiac’s flatmates would think that they had completely imagined that her ex ever existed.

This girl will be at every nine am lecture and out every night . She will transform into a social butterfly and by all accounts look like she is having the time of her life. But be warned, the out of sight out of mind only lasts for so long. Eventually this girl will crack, and when she does it’s not gonna be pretty.

The forward-thinker

There is a common myth that those in a relationship are massively missing out on the “real uni experience”, and whilst girls may passionately deny this when they’re happily coupled up, the tables turn once they find themselves suddenly single.

A forward thinker will become a Tinder addict, embrace the walk of shame as a weekly ritual, and go on more first dates than Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler. They are strong believers that the best way to get over one person is to swiftly get under someone else.

Remember, the actions of these girls are in no way influenced by them wanting to make their ex jealous. Honest

The theorist

For the intellectuals on campus, a break-up isn’t just a time to be sad and grieve. Oh no, it’s also an opportunity to learn – lucky them!

Theorists will dissect and overanalyse every aspect of their entire relationship, all so that they can exactly pin-point where and when things suddenly turned south. Forget the dissertation, this will be the biggest project these girls will undertake at uni.

Their friends will be subjected to weeks of pointless questions like : “Do you think it’s because I am too mature for him?” “Do you think he was too overwhelmed by his feelings and panicked?” “It might have ended because he is a dog person and I prefer cats?”

To save time, effort and your sanity it’s best to assume that the answer to all of these questions is – quite simply – no. He dumped you because he didn’t want to be with you anymore, it’s as simple as that.

Now put on your big girl pants, pour yourself a drink and move the hell on.

The black widow

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, particularly when said woman has the stress of looming exams, unsympathetic housemates and the over-whelming pressure of applying for approximately nine graduate jobs a day. 

These girls will not only swear off men, they will emotionally and mentally destroy any poor sap who attempts approach them. Guys, you have been warned.

Luckily after several girls’ nights and a few days wallowing in self-pity (and of course a decent amount of wine), the black widow’s ice heart will begin to thaw. Doesn’t that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

The emotionally unstable 

The most unpredictable method of handling a break-up. One second the dumpee will be as right as rain. Then BAM – she will be having an emotional breakdown in Nando’s for no reason.

The issue of having mood swings that rival Lindsey Lohan is that these girls will never know when, where or why their next episode will happen. All they can do is be constantly prepared by carrying an emergency kit comprising of tissues, chocolates and possibly a photo of Ryan Gosling to act as a distraction.

That, and they should possibly avoid spending a prolonged amount of time in public places.