The seven drunk girl personas

Girls are constantly accused of not being able to handle their drink, and let’s face it ladies, our shameless Saturday night shenanigans don’t help our case.

But, what many people don’t know is that it isn’t actually our fault.

Oh yes, because once girls get “drunk-drunk” we undergo complete personality transplants. It isn’t us that are vomiting in our bags while dry humping a random stranger’s leg. Actually, it’s our drunk girl personas, and all girls have one whether they care to admit it or not.

So the big question is: which one of the seven drunk girls do you turn into after you neck a couple of trebles and abandon your moral compass?

The Wanderer

Wanderers are the bane of every sober friend’s existence. This is because of their wonderful habit of disappearing during the stage of intoxication where constant supervision should be mandatory.

Despite having ready-made friends with them, the Wanderers stick to their title and decide to seek greener pastures. So they tootle off to pester strangers who were otherwise having a enjoyable evening, leaving their friends to desperately search for them.

Another completely adorable quality that all Wanderers develop is the inability to decipher their location, so if by some miracle they do answer their phones they are still completely useless.

“Where are you?”

“By the tree.”

“What tree?”

“The green one.”
And then she hangs up, leaving her frantic friends to begin an almost impossible drunk girl scavenger-hunt (which for some unknown reason concludes in Sinners).

The Gorger

Gorgers are a wonderfully honest breed of drunk girl, most easily located in the take-away claiming that if they “don’t have a 12 inch pizza with extra garlic sauce, chips and a kebab, shit will hit the fan“.

They don’t care that they are sabotaging weeks of a diet and exercise routine which would make the likes of Kate Moss jealous. Nor does it bother them that their outfit is now ruined by drool and curry sauce. They even don’t bat an eyelid that it’s only half 12 and all of their mates are just leaving the pre-bar.

Because when a gorger gets the inevitable pangs of alcohol induced hunger, they need food and they need it now.

The Weeper

Women are strong, mysterious and beautiful creatures. Unfortunately, we are also occasionally bat-shit crazy she-devils.

This is never more apparent than when you encounter a drunk girl who for some reason is extra emotionally charged . Such a girl (the Weeper) will be fine one second, then bam:

“My bag is broke!” Tears.

“This isn’t a vodka and diet coke!” Downpour.

“He smells like my ex.” Complete and utter breakdown.

However, there are unexpected up-sides to being a Weeper. Firstly you can benefit from the emotionally zen feeling you get after a cry. Also weepers save money on make-up wipes because you have spent the majority of your night cleaning your face with your own tears. Not too bad for a girl who is always just one glass of wine away from emotional crisis.

The Hunter

Hunters spot, pursue and pounce on their prey (or a man if you would rather call them that). This is obviously done with all the poise and dignity that only someone who thinks a round of sambuca is ever a wise decision.

The Hunter is her own worst enemy when they “hunt” someone that they are genuinely interested in. After spending days deciphering text messages, playing it cool and attempting to seduce someone  through the medium of snapchat, it is sadly self-sabotaged when after three or four drinks they just… lunge.

Goodbye dignity, hello desperation.

However, if the Hunter is after no-strings fun (or even just a drunken fondle) there is no better drunken persona to have. Because girls, let’s face it, despite all of your sober coyness and ladylike behaviour sometimes you just want the D.

The Frolicker

By far everyone’s favourite drunk girl. The Frolicker does not care about pulling, she isn’t having an emotional breakdown, nor is she phased by the lure of cheesy chips. The Frolicker is there for one reason and one reason only: to dance.

Every song is apparently “theirs“, sweat has stuck their fringe to their face and the moves are becoming more and more extravagant. But the Frolicker is loving life, in her little drunk head she thinks she’s Beyonce, despite that in reality her dancing is more Miley-esque.

One word of advice? Always leave at least a two meter radius between yourself and the Frolicker, if not you definitely will be injured in a freak dance-related tragedy.

The Regurgitator

A pretty self-explanatory title, Regurgitators vomit.

Lots.

These poor girls can’t go an evening without chundering up every single thing they have consumed. In the toilet, all over themselves, all over you. Nothing is out of bounds for a truly dedicated Regurgitator.

A word to the wise gentlemen, if after a night of drinking, dancing and flirting you end up back at a girl’s house and she has a bucket ANYWHERE in her property she is a Regurgitator and you will witness her vomiting. Her gag reflex probably won’t be top notch too.

The Aggressor

When sober, most girls will use Facebook instead of their fists in their quarrels. However, a very small percentage of girls – with right combination of anger and alcohol – can and will attack. These drunk girls are the Aggressors.

Everyone has seen encountered this girl, she is screaming at a random for the most trivial of reasons in the corner of the club whilst their friends desperately try to calm her down before she kills someone. Not pretty, not classy and not worth attempting to reason with.

Normally an Aggressor can be calmed (or avoided) however if the disastrous event occurs where two Aggressors lock horns you can guarantee that there will be fireworks. Drinks will be thrown, hair extensions might be pulled out and you can guarantee there will be one guy on the sideline joyfully screaming: “Cat-fight!“.