What would Newcastle be like if Russia conquered?

As tension has been growing with Russia over the past few weeks, everybody has tangled with the possibility of a vodka swilling, homophobic invasion of old Blighty. But how would this affect our beloved city?

Vodka

It’s not a secret that our Russian counterparts love this deadly substance. Whether it is downing a bottle in the Kremlin or in Sinners. We too, share this passion.

Say goodbye to Glen’s

But the Russian influence would bring new customs. The toon concept of a treble would replace a child’s happy meal. This puny drink would be replaced with the comrade treble.

Drink it neat

This would involve three bottles of the stuff being drunk neat in Russian tradition. No smiling or any show of weakness.

They love their vodka

Pink Triangle

We all love to have a few drinks in this friendly part of town or have a late one in Powerhouse. Sadly this will almost certainly come to an end for obvious reasons.

Our highly qualified military analysts here The Tab have predicted that the first order of business would be to napalm this once beloved area of Newcastle, ‘to repent it of its sins’, and turn it into a Kalashnikov factory.

R.I.P

Bouncers

We all saw a few months ago the Idols bouncer destroying a fellow binge drinker.

The current media saw this as taking it too far. Not in Mother Russia’s eyes.

No more of this

This would become the norm. If you couldn’t handle your comrade treble and acted inappropriately, the newly trained ‘weakness destruction specialists’ would quickly break this bad habit and forge you into a man. A man who can hold his drink and who can successfully knock out a horse with a punch.

Putin on a mad one

Ease of conquer

Many armies would find great difficulty in conquering Newcastle, not Putin’s. Our biggest defence is  the same as Russia’s. The inability to fight in desolate, extreme cold weather.

You see, the plains of Siberia is pretty much identical to a Geordie winter.

Freezing winds and -40° temperatures would prevent anyone from surviving in these conditions, apart from the Geordies and Russians.

Leazes field in December

So when you see the MiG’s flying overhead and the sound of Kalashnikov’s drowning out the sound of the derby day cheers, remember these predictions and try not to defy Putin’s rule. If you don’t you should be fine. Otherwise, a lengthy forced labour sentence in a Gulag should do the trick.

Don’t like it? Crimea river..