The Jes-o-meter

1. What do you study?

A) A humanity, any will do.

B) Business, chuck some marketing in there too.

C) Chemistry/Maths.

D) Agrobusiness.

2. Where would you typically be on a Monday night?

A) Osborne Road – most likely Bar Blanc but you like to shake it up with SPY every now and then to keep people on their toes.

B) Club Trop.

C) The Robbo.

D) Bar Crawl – fancy dress compulsory.

3. When you arrive at the club:

A) You walk straight in, you know all the promos and are on first name terms with all the bouncers. No ID required, you are above the law.

B) You tell the guestlister you work for the night, they tell you to text someone who is working. You text someone who is working, they tell you to wait for them to come out. They come out and check how many people you have brought in on guestlist. It’s not enough so they tell you to queue up. 35 minutes later and alone, you are in the club. Repeat next week.

C) You get in the queue, have a lovely night and get in a taxi at half 12 in order to be refreshed for a day of study.

D) Commence chanting, remove shirt, down pint, pull unsuspecting fresher, punch someone, get chucked out, sneak back in, repeat.

4. What/where do you regularly eat?

A) With Waitrose so close, it would be a crime to cook anything other than sirloin steak at home for your posse. The red wine will flow and only the best banter-merchants will be invited.

B) Jam Jar.

C) Pasta with tomato sauce and mild cheddar.

D) Either your father has just sent Bertie to the abattoir so there’s an entire cows worth of meat in the freezer, or you’ve just returned from an absolutely stonking shoot, with pheasant on the menu.

5. What do you do when your bank account is running dry?

A) Not an issue, you have an American Express card thats linked to your father’s company.

B) Set a few statuses promising the best night of people’s lives, hit the cowfields and run around Leazes and Ricky Road trying to dodge security. It’s a risky job but worth it for the way people uphold you as a unay-hero and the free entry.

C) You don’t run out of money: you have planned every meal this week with optimal nutritional and economic value, drinking is a wasteful venture and shopping is a waste of time.

D) The 26 hour days you worked during the summer harvest should tie you over financially until 2015.

6. If you’re at the library, you’re:

A) Experiencing the worst hangover of your life, standing outside the Robbo because every time you try to go in you bump into yet another person to tell about your cray night out, which ended with you hugging the Charles Grey statue at monument, 130ft (or 40 metres) up. Apparently.

B) Asking people ‘what are you up to tonight?’ – this question is not restricted to students, if the librarian wants to bob up and down to the latest remix of ‘So Good To Me’, that’s fine, as long as they use your guestlist.

C) Studying, why else would anyone come to the library?

D) You sit on the 4th floor on Tuesdays and Wednesdays; Wednesday is exam day.

7. What’s your plan after the uni dream is over?

A) Your Dad owns an insurance company, your wit and charm will cast a shadow over your Dezzy Tutu, don’t worry.

B) You plan to stay in Newcastle with the profound idea of starting a ‘night’ – it will be called ‘Sea-world’ and you’ll encourage students via facebook to ‘Get down to *club name* on *day of week* and get your shark on’. You may even invest in some Jesmond property.

C) Due to the 9 internships you have carried out since starting uni, you have developed a relationship with a research centre who are waiting excitedly for your 1st honours graduation.

D) Farming and perpetual use of the words ‘boss’, ‘kite’, ‘bants’, etc. – as much as it pains me to say it if you’re female you are likely to be excited at the prospect of being a housewife. Not my words.

Answers

Mostly As: Jesmond Top Dog and ‘Wizard of Oz’. Osborne road is your stomping ground and you’ll always be at the seats in Blanc nearest the road, ready to say hi to every passing Jesmonder. Too good for promo as you have enough friends as it is, plus, honestly, that’s what your allowance is for. You have over 80 likes on your profile photo, but didn’t really notice.

Mostly Bs: You are either an overambitious fresher or an under-ambitious second or third year. You bum the owners of the promo companies, want to work for them or both and the phrase ‘*your name* on the door’ will probably be embossed on your gravestone.

Mostly Cs: You came to uni to work; what your social status is in Jesmond is of little to no interest to you. You even sleep in the library.

Mostly Ds: You’re an Agric, born and bred (if you weren’t born into a farmlandowning family you will have a tough time in this social circle). When asked of your summer plans you place both hands on your hips and say that single Godly word: ‘Harvest’.