WARNING: slug epidemic plaguing Newcastle

For all you freshers excitedly picking out your second year house in Jesmond (or Heaton, if you’re poor) and second years just settling in to life post-halls, prepare yourselves.

Winter is coming – and while high energy bills & cold nights may seem like your biggest problem, you don’t know how wrong you are.

They’re the housemate no one likes and the overnight guest you didn’t choose. They’re wet and persistent( and not in a good way). Get ready to come face to face with  the slimy, disgusting cretins known as slugs.

Gherkin or slug?

There’s nothing more traumatic than coming home after a night out and stepping on one of these bastards bare foot while making your way to the fridge or finding a silver trail leading all the way to your food cupboard.

I’ll have a treble vodka slug please

And if you’re really unlucky, they lurk in the corners of your shower and surprise you mid-way through shampooing your hair.
My second year trauma with these vile creatures has left emotional scars too painful to talk about, but there are ways to get around this pesky problem.

Landlords don’t give a shit and prevention techniques are scarce, if they even exist at all, but if you catch these damp-loving little shits in the act, there are ways to get rid of them.

1) Cover them in salt then sit back and watch them dissolve. After, simply wipe away the remains.

2) If you’re feeling particularly cruel, create a complex slug trap with a plate of jam (jam does to slugs what trebles do to students) and a modified mouse trap.

3) There is a sensible option. Dedicate an oven mitt to picking them up and then throw them out of a window. It’s a grim task, so force the housemate with the biggest bedroom to do this. It’s only fair.