Newcastle vs. Northumbria

The rivalry between Newcastle University and Northumbria is as fierce as ever, and the city’s ex-poly is building a decent reputation. Okay, it might not be internationally renowned for academia or take part in world-leading research, but let’s forget all that boring stuff. Is the gap closing between the city’s two universities or will the likes of Northumbria simply never be able to compete with Newcastle?

Using a range of important data, let’s find out.

Which students drink the most?

This study shows how many units each student, on average, drinks in a week. Bad luck Northumbria – that bootlegged cider you stole from your uncle just wasn’t strong enough.

NEWCASTLE  21.2 (9^th in UK)   

NORTHUMBRIA  18.4 (31^st in UK)

Which uni is the most down to earth?

They’re called Rahs by some, Toffs by others. To a few, they’re simply Jonty and Millie from polo practice or Arabella and Henrietta who you totes smashed at last week’s lacrosse match. Either way, a university filled to the brim with these critters may put many people off. These results show the percentage of students from independent schools:

NEWCASTLE  30.8%        

NORTHUMBRIA  8.7%

A clear win for Northumbria. Unless of course you have a thing for the backcombed bird’s nest, tie-dye leggings and 10 year-old Adidas tracksuit jacket sported by an abundance of Newcastle’s female aristocracy.

Which is the best sporting university?

The Stan Calvert Cup is a sensitive time for sports enthusiasts from the two universities. We all know the importance of the event (which Newcastle has won 13 times since 1994 – compared to 5 times by Northumbria): to allow the two rival universities to legitimately slag each other off without (m)any hard feelings afterwards. Either way, according to BUCS 2013, Newcastle is the victor!

NEWCASTLE  2027.5 points (10th in UK)

NORTHUMBRIA  1796.75 (15th in UK)

Which students, on average, have more sexual partners whilst at uni?

Read into these results how you like, which show the average number of sexual partners for students since starting university.

NEWCASTLE  4.72                                                                                      

NORTHUMBRIA  3.72

That’s a whole person less for Northumbria! But who wins? I’ll let you guys make the call.

Which university has the best looking students?

According to the Whatuni Student Choice awards:

NEWCASTLE  7^th in UK                                                                                        

NORTHUMBRIA  Not included in the survey.

Are Northumbria students so grotesque that they weren’t included? Or could the staff carrying out the survey not afford their tetanus shot before arriving in Heaton? Your guess is as good as mine, but Newcastle wins.

Which university has the ugliest campus?

Yes, Newcastle might have the original Red Brick Armstrong Building and the Quadrangle but such splendours are soon overshadowed by the monstrosities of Claremont Tower and Merz Court. I don’t care how nice they make the lobby of Claremont Tower (they’re still trying, bless them), it’s always going to be an eyesore.

Northumbria is by no means breath taking, but that funny little brain building by the motorway shows that they’re at least trying. And their accommodation is all brand new. Unlike HM Prison Leazes or Ricky Road which looks like some sort of dilapidated 1970s Butlins. We’ll give this one to Northumbria.

VERDICT

So then, besides modern buildings, less posh people and minimal promiscuity, it appears that Northumbria just can’t quite match up to their privileged neighbour! And there’s us thinking it was all about academic reputation and entry standards…