Job hunting, decoded

You’ve burned through your student loan and need a job. Stacey Astill is here to help you out.


The dreaded job search can be full of pitfalls. But don’t worry, The Tab is always here to lend a helping hand. 

Here is our insight into what job adverts SAY, and what they actually MEAN:

Meaningful work = Chugger

Good for students = Extra low pay, terrible hours.

No experience necessary = We drove away all the qualified staff

Some cleaning = Prepare to catch herpes

Open minded = Topless bar staff

Ambitious = Stuck in a call centre job for the rest of your life

Full training provided = No training. At all. Ever.

Close to public transport = Three buses away

Apprentice = We won’t pay you

Work to targets = We’ll fire you after three weeks when you can’t meet our ridiculous targets

Friendly team = Everyone’s going to be horrible to you

Commission only = You’re not getting paid, ever

Self employed = Good luck working out how to do your own taxes

Don’t actually click, it’s a trap.

Based in the North East = Based in Darlington

Model: Not allergic to latex = Porn star.

Be careful out there, folks. It’s a terrifying world filled with mistruths, being under paid and over taxed.

But good luck. If all else fails, don’t flyer; starve.