Job hunting, decoded
You’ve burned through your student loan and need a job. Stacey Astill is here to help you out.
The dreaded job search can be full of pitfalls. But don’t worry, The Tab is always here to lend a helping hand.
Here is our insight into what job adverts SAY, and what they actually MEAN:
Meaningful work = Chugger
Good for students = Extra low pay, terrible hours.
No experience necessary = We drove away all the qualified staff
Some cleaning = Prepare to catch herpes
Open minded = Topless bar staff
Ambitious = Stuck in a call centre job for the rest of your life
Full training provided = No training. At all. Ever.
Close to public transport = Three buses away
Apprentice = We won’t pay you
Work to targets = We’ll fire you after three weeks when you can’t meet our ridiculous targets
Friendly team = Everyone’s going to be horrible to you
Commission only = You’re not getting paid, ever
Self employed = Good luck working out how to do your own taxes
Based in the North East = Based in Darlington
Model: Not allergic to latex = Porn star.
Be careful out there, folks. It’s a terrifying world filled with mistruths, being under paid and over taxed.
But good luck. If all else fails, don’t flyer; starve.