Valentine’s Day: Do’s and Don’ts

So, we’ve stuffed ourselves silly with pancakes and been subjected to pink-red-love-heart visual assault for a few weeks now, which can only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is here again.

Just in case you forgot.

Whether you love, or love to hate this Hallmark Holiday, there are a few do’s and don’ts to bear in mind when approaching the #1 event on Cupid’s Calendar. Feel free to add your own romance rules for this sugar-coated day in the comments box below. Or you can just have a rant.

Do’s

• Be openly disapproving of untoward PDA and/or dry humping
Don’t let those loved up couples cause you to vom slightly in your mouth. Practice your best you’re-raping-my-eyes-please-stop-soon-please face and make them feel like what they are. Despicable human beings.
• Put some thought into the gifts you buy
Don’t just grab the first thing you see, what they want might be cheaper and/or cooler! Plus if you choose wrong you might not get any tonight. Beware.

Truth.

• Use the day as a valid excuse to eat your weight in chocolate
Well, it’s nearly a whole year until Christmas gluttony, so we have to capitalise on ANY excuse days in the meantime. Don’t worry, we have your back.
• Do date night with friends if you’re single. Any occasion that encourages vino, romcom mockery and general banter is a gooden
Have a group date, get drunk and see where it goes. You never know, it could be the night that ensures you can never look your friends in the eye again.
• Book that table or film screening in advance to avoid disappointment
Chances are if you’ve decided to go to see something/eat at a restaurant then other people have too. Make sure you beat them to it so you can walk smugly by as they get turned away.
• Drink wine and eat cheese
Because you should. Every day. That’s why.

Don’t
• Dry hump in public (PDA)
NO! Just don’t. Ever. Get off each other. You disgust me.

He’s totally right.

• Leave card shopping to the last minute
You’ll be left with the most cringe-worthy verses. Two page declarations on how your love is forever and you’ll always be together, whatever the weather. Not. Getting. Any. Tonight.

I love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

• Get so pissed you puke
Probably going to affect your chances of getting laid. Good luck with that.
• Buy any variety of ‘Forever Friends’ merchandise
Self-explanatory. Unless you’re a total douche.
• Talk about SAD (Singles Awareness Day) if you’re single and /or be bitter about being single
You will never ever not be single if you do this. Stop moaning and refer to 5 reasons why you deserve the friend zone.

Bitter? Not at all.

• Think that she means it when she says ‘We don’t need to buy each other anything’ or think that he doesn’t mean it when he says ‘We don’t need to buy each other anything’
Don’t be disappointed. If you want a present, ask for one. Men do not understand our twisted woman logic. And girls, don’t woman your man into feeling guilty about not getting anything if this is what you agreed.