Happy Shitmas: the 10 worst presents

Got your worst enemy in secret Santa? From £1 Vajazzle kits to Justin Bieber 3D bookmarks, we’ve got all the best ideas.

Christmas is nearly here! Huge roast dinners, family movies and copious amounts of mulled wine- what’s not to love? Yet ultimately, there’s always going to be that one present you don’t want, whether it’s from Nan (silly old bint) or your boyfriend (good as dumped).

The Tab takes a look at the worst presents you could find in your stocking this year, just so you’re prepared to put on that false happy face!

1) Alec Baldwin, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood, £8.99 Buy it here
What’s better than 240 pages of a washed up actor’s musings of self pity?

2) Instant Irish Accent Breath Spray $5.99 Buy it here.
Bored by your own accent? The spray claims to activate ‘invisible language receptors’ in your mouth. You’ll be irresistible to everyone…or at the very least, Louis Walsh.

3) Vajazzle kit from Poundland, £1.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sticking gems to your nether regions. What a perfect and thoughtful gift from a loved one, they must think you’re really classy.

4) Sky diving Sigmund Freud £13.33. Buy it here.
Watch the founding father of psychoanalysis fly through the air. A much cheaper alternative to therapy, and he comes with his own pen! Value for money or what?

5) Gastric Band Weight Loss Self Hypnosis CD. £12.99 Buy it here.
What a sweet thought! Not only does your nan think you’re tubby, but she also doesn’t think you have the willpower to lose weight on your own. DOUBLE WHAMMY!

6) Animal Print Shower Cap, £1 from Poundland.
Bringing the jungle to the shower, this sexy little piece of head gear is both understated and useful.

7) Age of the Dragons DVD £3.75 Buy it here. 
Vinnie Jones? Danny Glover? CGI dragons? Need we say more. Everything shouldn’t work, but you know what….no, it doesn’t.

8) Yodelling pickle £ 9.37 Buy it here.
Clearly your relative knows you well. The one thing we all want, deep down.. a small willy shaped vegetable, singing Alpine Folk music.

9) Justin Bieber 3D bookmark £1.91 Buy it here.
Unleash your inner 11 year old girl with this super cool bookmark. Three pictures of Justin, taken from different angles? VALUE FOR MONEY OR WHAT!

10) A jar of out of date currency.
PRICELESS. Your relative might not want their jar of Lira, but they knew you would love it. It’ll look great next to your World Map circa 1885, and your broken Gameboy. Keeping it real guys.