Lectures: An Arena to Impress

A few simple tips to impress in and get the most out of your lectures this year. Freshers, feel free to read this in preparation for next year when you will sample your debut lecture.

First and foremost, make sure that you’re late. If you are early or on time you might have to stand around and make small talk with students who have next to nothing in common with you except their watches were also fast.

High school films signify who is cool by showing who is late and let’s be honest everyone wants to be a jock or cheerleader. If you are in a group this point is paramount.

Player

Dress and look like an arsehole. This will make the guys jealous and the girls curious. A letterman jacket always goes down a treat and aviators go without saying, but only with a slickback, obviously.

Do not under any circumstances take a pen or a notepad with you. This will make everyone around you very nervous and uneasy as they will assume you have an unfathomable memory and will therefore beat them in the exams after you have assimilated all possible information given.

However they may just think you’re disorganised which correlates strongly with point 1 so either way you win.

Needless to say, sit as far towards the back as possible as it will help you when, half way through, the smartphone becomes your most trusted ally. Make sure it is not on silent so everyone is aware of your plentiful mate count, you badass.

It may be worth considering this helpful illustration:

If you are in a group it is important to maintain a low level of laughter. This will produce two benefits in that you will be seen as fun loving and popular as well as undermining the entire lecture by distracting hardworking students and the lecturer.

The professor’s passion for his subject can be rivalled by immaturity in the battle of superiority so don’t give up the fight. Eating crisps obnoxiously compliments this nicely.

An obvious one now; be drunk or at the very least hungover. No explanation necessary.

Knows his stuff

If the lecturer poses a question and you know the answer from a pub quiz machine, under no circumstances should you answer it unless it happens in the week before an assignment.

The new thumbnail mugshots on signing in sheets means they can put name to face so in this exceptional case it may be advantageous. Discretion advised.

Thank me later.