Words of Wisdom

25 snippets of advice for male Freshers e.g. It’s essential that you get one really good black eye, doesn’t matter how.

You’ve left home, you’ve moved up north, fresher’s week is over. Now what? You need to get 40% and minimal contact hours, you’ve got plenty of time to learn these lessons, but we thought we’d help you out because your time can be much better spent drinking, fighting, smoking and shagging.

So here’s the knowledge you need to take away:

  1. Learn, quickly, exactly how much you can drink and still manage to get an erection.
  2. Learn how to get extra servings at dinner especially on kiev night.
  3. Realise quickly that second years have double beds and therefore you need to get as many strides of prides from Jesmond as possible.
  4. It’s essential that you get one really good black eye, doesn’t matter how. Be on the receiving end of a big right hand, or a poke in the eye from something long and hard.
  5. Be versatile: learn to adapt last night’s outfit for lectures.
  6. Get aquainted with the staff at emergency unit at the royal Victoria infirmary, it may mean ailments are attended to faster tomorrow night.
  7. Master a fool-proof recipe, chicks will dig that in second year.
  8. Annoy everyone by setting off the fire alarm after a few bevvies.
  9. Have your own trade-mark drink. Don’t let anyone tell you that baileys and Lambrini don’t mix.
  10. Become acquainted with the lovely ladies at diamond strip club – ask for Fluffy
  11. Get a stripper into Halls, the wardens love it.
  12. Learn early that you can fit people in the halls washing machines and dryers
  13. Learn how to join the hundy club – £100 on drinks in one night.
  14. Learn that ‘ sorry I don’t remember’ is not always a valid excuse, although that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a go.
  15. Don’t have the expectation that Uni students are more mature – they aren’t. No parents, no bed-times!
  16. Realise that there is no graceful way to eat a kebab.
  17. Don’t forget about money- remember how nice it was when you had some.
  18. ‘Do it later’ DOES write your essays for you, it DOES make you friends, it DOES get your numbers up and it DOES help you pass first year.
  19. Lecturers in fact do care about referencing, its not a joke they tell you – Throw anything in, even if its not a real book.
  20. Putting an essay in free online translation and translating it back is not enough to beat the plagiarism filter.
  21. Learn to understand Geordie- talking to your taxi driver about Alan Shearer is a good place to start, and don’t worry ‘pet’ is an affectionate term.
  22. Don’t talk to Northumbria students – but if you do make sure to ask for large fries and your free student cheeseburger.
  23. Learn that blue VK hurts most when caught in the eye.
  24. Realise quickly that you do not need to be on a guestlist, they don’t even exist. Promoting is not big or clever.
  25. Learn that even ‘what course are you doing’ is better chat than ‘ are you out tonight’ or ‘ how are YOU feeling this morning then?’