Seven things at Manchester Uni that would send a Victorian child into a coma

7. Blackboard

It’s a trend that is dominating all of our TikTok’s at the moment and we think a Victorian child would really struggle at uni in Manchester. From the terrifying sights that are revealed when the 256 lights come on, to the radioactive taste of a Dragon Soop, here’s the top 7 things Manchester uni students experience that would endanger the life of a Victorian-era child.

1. Navigating the Christmas Markets at 7pm on a Saturday

Although the City-centre Christmas markets would provide a Victorian child with a sense of familiarity – Market street bustling with people trying to sell various different ornaments, food, and general tat does provide an almost Oliver Twist vibe – however the sight of an £8 bratwurst or a repurposed AliExpress necklace is sure to send our child over the edge.

2. Dragon Soop

A Dragon Soop poses a few challenges for our Victorian child. Firstly surviving New Zealand Wines, and then having to deal not only with the taste of the Soop (so artificial that it feels like your teeth are eroding) but also with the 175mg of caffeine. That alone is enough to send our poor, unaware child into a frantic over-stimulated hour or two… and then a coma.

3. The lights coming on at 256

Not sure there is too much to say about this one. Lights coming on at 256 is terrifying for everyone. The jägers have started to wear off and the person(s) you’ve chose to share the night with are slightly less attractive as they were at the night’s peak. The marathon session of D-Block Europe would probably comatose our child before the dreaded 2am lights come on.

4. Navigating Uni during exam season

Exam season means studying. For everyone. Even our Victorian child. Unfortunately for them, they may have to attempt navigating the UoM engineering building. Again a place of possible familiarity with the exposed piping and metallic desks giving a slight 1800s Factory/Workhouse aesthetic, but once our child attempts to find “Engineering A_3A.071 M&T” or god-forbid, a seat in the Ali G if he gives up on the hunt for their seminar room, they’re sure to be sent immediately into an anxiety-induced coma.

5. Klarna

Like the lights in 256, the less I write about this, and the less our Victorian child knows about Klarna, the better. I think it’s best to keep them in the dark before they start weekly ASOS orders.

6. Wednesday-night sport social costumes

Seeing 20 Lacrosse boys in Banana suits (or dressed in full kit in the main library?) strutting down Wilmslow Road on a Wednesday night is not good for students who have been exposed to Fallowfield for years, never mind our child. Contrast this with the top-hat and cane attire they’re used to, and we might as well induce the coma for them; if only to save them from nearly being mowed down on the Moseley Road crossroads.

7. Blackboard

Try and explain two-factor authentication and whatever “shibboleth” is to the child, why eduroam is taking weeks to load and then eventually you may be able to show them the lecture that you missed – oh wait, your lecturer has decided not to include the audio. Brilliant. Definite coma. For both of us.

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