‘I got drunk and drank my lava lamp’: The 21 grossest confessions from Manchester students

The students of Manchester are known for a number of things: a passionate love of the sesh, unwashed vintage clothing, raving about 2-for-£5 wine and ket, to name just a few.

They are not yet infamous degenerate dirtbags. However, these outrageous confessions prove that they ought to be just that.

All of these confessions have been anonymously submitted to The Manchester Tab’s Instagram for ‘Wednesday Confessions’, which takes place every few weeks and appears to get more scandalous each time it does.

Featured below are some of our favourite confessions from 2020:

‘I once used my housemates toothbrush to get rid of skid marks she left’

Sorry, but I will now forever be scared to touch my toothbrush.

‘My housemates have started hosting metal music themed orgies in the house’

What does this even mean?!

‘I watched my friend kiss a Magic Bus driver at the OP bus stop’

Were they on the bus? Did they know each other? I have so many questions.

‘I snorted coke off a 50 year old’s forehead in Bierkeller toilets’

Why..?

‘I accidentally used gradual fake tan as lube. It looked like a burnt frankfurter’

Why did you keep your gradual fake tan right next to your lube?

‘Convinced my friend I put Nutella all over him when it was actually my shit mixed with Nutella’

Are you still friends? Were you even friends in the first place? Why would you put Nutella on a friend? Did you have to hover over the loo holding the Nutella jar to execute this?

‘Shit in the shower at a pres of someone no one liked’

Weird flex but okay.

‘Me and my housemates spat in our horrible housemates almond milk hahahaha :(‘

Judging by the sad face I think it’s safe to say that this person feels a little conflicted.

‘I stole a bus seat from a 142 and hid it under my coat to get it off’

They even sent proof:

‘Took someone up on their offer to suck my D in the smoking area for a cig’

Sorry but surely there was about 10 people less than two metres away?

‘I once had a shit in Antwerp – no door on the toilet’

Again, surely people were right there?

‘Been pissing in my housemates squash for months because he’s a cunt’

I am shocked that he hasn’t noticed if it has been that long.

‘Shagged a girl in Ashburne but after was so smashed couldn’t find toilet so pissed on the wall’

The wall in her room, the corridor or the bathroom?

‘Spent my first year meeting guys on Tinder to use their washing machines – saved £100’

Wish I had done this to be honest. Sensible.

‘Shagged a boy, got home the next day to realise I was -£600 because he robbed me’

Why on earth did you have £600 on you?

‘Infiltrated the Tower stole a toaster and 5kgs of pasta, pissed in the elevator’

Um… Okay.

‘I climbed through someone’s window in Owens Park and stole an alien. Still have it to this day’

Followed quickly by:

‘Give that alien back!!’

One day we hope to reunite this alien with its rightful owner.

‘Got fingered by the bar in Fifth with photographic evidence’

Please don’t tell me the official photographer took the photo and it ended up on Facebook.

‘My friend got so drunk she drank her lava lamp and had to spend the next day in A&E’

Do NOT try this at home.

‘Did coke in my accom with an old guy who was going to give a lecture at MMU the next day’

I’m just wondering what the lecture was on to be honest.

These confessions alone are without a doubt proof enough that Manchester students are outrageously cretinous. However, if you believe that you or your mates have been up to far more shocking activities than these, then submit them to our next round of ‘Wednesday Confessions’ on The Manchester Tab’s Instagram story.

Stories recommended by this writer:

• Confirmed: All Manchester Uni lectures to be taught online in semester one

• Fallowfield’s Fittest’s finalists are so beautiful you will weep actual tears

• This Manchester student did a full-on photoshoot in Allen’s chicken shop