An open letter to people who speak in the library

Okay. I might be wrong here but isn't the definition of silence like, literally no noise? AKA not speaking? And therefore wouldn't a silent study area be an area in which you can study… silently? With nobody else talking?

Okay, so if this is the case, then why the FUCK does everyone speak in the library? I have travelled far and wide (okay from Blue 1 to Purple 4) to try and find somewhere that people actually keep their fucking mouths shut and I have come to conclude that it just doesn't exist.

First of all why are you in the library to chat?

Call me lame, but when I come to the library it's usually because I have some sort of deadline or a mountain of work to do, and sitting in my room, the temptations of Netflix and the kitchen are just too strong to ignore. I come to the library to be forced into getting work done by the studious atmosphere and the risk of someone seeing me googling "pictures of baby monkeys and tiger cubs playing together." I most definitely do not come to the library to chat. Firstly because chatting too much has already got me in the position of having a deadline tomorrow and only half an essay to hand in, and secondly because it's the fucking library, duh.

h e l p

There are literally so many places for you to go and talk why are you doing it in a room full of stressed students?

The ground floor? The cafe? Outside? The corridors? The toilet? If you're really that desperate to have a full blown, 10 minute conversation then please, just go to one of the many designated areas where there aren't signs that literally tell you to be silent.

Stage whispering is actually probably louder, and far more annoying than talking

I CAN HEAR YOU. WE CAN ALL HEAR YOU. SHUT UP.

Almost as bad as the loudmouths are those constantly shuffling people who seem to make just as much noise without actually speaking

Oh, you're eating a packet of crisps? Great, please, please rustle the packet as much as you possibly can. What flavour are they? Why don't you smack your lips really fucking loudly so that we can guess? Probably by the smell of them it's cheese and onion. Brilliant library food. Keep it up.

I can't believe I pay £9,000 a year and there still isn't some sort of system in place to shut these people up

Petition to start a library patrol system where somebody walks round and whips people who speak? Anyone?

PLEASE

And finally, why are you asking me questions in the library? You're speaking so quietly I can't even hear you

Is that seat taken? Is that what you even asked me? I wish I could answer you but I can't because it's the library and either you're whispering too quietly for me to hear over everyone else's conversations or I'm actually concentrating on doing work and NOT SPEAKING.