How not to shag your flatmate: A comprehensive guide

For some of you it might be too late (thank you, Freshers' Week), and for that I imagine you’re already well and truly regretful. But for the few of you clever enough to have not yet succumbed, this is an appeal of the critical kind, do not, ever, shag your flatmate. Like, ever.

I know the temptation whilst you’re fucked up can be strong. There are, however, ways you can do your utmost to avoid boning your flatmate / housemate/ neighbour / that guy who lives two floors above.

AVOID pre-drinking with the person you fancy in a small group

The more people there are, the more likely you can ignore their existence and crack on without fiasco.

It's that guy behind her isn't it?

Alternatively, pre-drink by yourself to avoid any unpredictable hook-ups

Have a little cry, make for the club on your own. Everyone else’s music taste is shite anyway. Boohoo.

It's not lame if no-one's game

Avoid drinking alcohol on a night out

Rather a shit night than a shit life.

That's just cherryade, I promise.

Avoid making friends in halls altogether

Make friends with Reslife instead. Who knows, you might get a free lanyard. Or hang out with your lecturers. Maybe your mum.

Don't do it don't do it

Listen outside your door for them before you leave

Memorise their schedule. If you’re in shared facilities, plan your dinner times and toilet usage around theirs, it's definitely not weird. Promise.

Just checking they've definitely gone

Start sleeping with someone from your course instead

That way, it's only awkward while you're at uni.

Drinking away the awkward

So there you have it, the easiest and most simple way to avoid a year of awkwardness and pain. You're welcome.