Tatler have released a guide to Manchester uni and it’s so tragic we can’t cope

So here’s your Tab-ler guide instead

(Disclaimer: this is a response to Tatler's Guide to Manchester University which you can read here)

How to get in

It's not all fun, fun, fun – so you'll need the grades. Especially when you're having to compete with pesky state school students whose parents were too lazy to pay for private education. Students here seem to work harder than you'd expect but then again, it is a challenge trying to look homeless whilst juggling your amateur DJ career and hiding your southern accent.

housemates💜

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Top Subject

How to smoothly transition from Marlboro Gold to rollies.

Doss subject

Your actual degree.

Where you want to live

The Fallowfield area. Owen's Park is a bit grimy darling but is there anywhere more faux working class than a massive dirty tower block? Plus your meals are included so more money for drugs, win-win.

Where you don't want to live

Ashburne Hall. It doesn't matter how many puffa jackets you own, if you're staying somewhere with its own private library, there's no way you'll be able to pull off the working class look that is so key to fitting in. Think Pulp's 'Common People'.

Where to drink

Mummy and Daddy think the Beer Studio looks acceptable but really you'll want to be at Squirrels, where you can quietly observe innocent fresher caterpillars transform into grimy Fallowfield butterflies throughout the year. Honestly, someone needs to get David Attenborough on this shit.

Post xmas dinner kick out of squirrels

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During the inevitable veggie phase, you'll want to be at the Fallow, discussing the horrors of the meat industry whilst happily ignoring the fact that Columbian child slaves probably mined your coke. Oh and it has fairy lights.

Best night out

You will suddenly develop a love of techno and disco in a desperate bid to fit in. So be down at Antwerp Mansion most nights. You'll soon realise that although Factory is an excellent, cheap night out, it's considered too lame for UoM students… perhaps more suited to those at Man Met or Salford. And don't forget Koh Tao, the little bit of Thailand in Fallowfield. Not only is it so completely gap yah but it's also under a brothel so even more cool points!

Celeb Alumni

Jack Whitehall lived in tower for a term. Sherlock Holmes went here. And that judge off the telly.

Top tip

Dress code is totally working class. Look as homeless as possible at all times. Stains and rips are key to looking cool. Dirty trainers are an absolute must. Girls, matted hair and last night's eyeliner are perfectly 'Fallowfield' and boys, don't forget your bucket hat. If you're stuck, listen to The Courteeners' 'Fallowfield Hillbilly' for style tips and a reminder that all the locals absolutely hate you.

Don't miss

The Magic Bus is social HQ. Come with a car and you'll miss out.

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University of Manchester