R.I.P. 2 for £5 as New Zealand wines bumps up prices

The grape depression has hit

In a scandal predicted to cause greater shock than tuition fee increases, New Zealand wines have raised their wine prices to an abominable 2 for £6.

Once upon a time you could walk into Fallowfield’s greatest wine establishment and purchase two bottles of potentially toxic but excellently priced wine in your colour of choice with just a fiver in hand. But that time has now passed.

The wine, that tastes like moth balls dipped in a salty pool of regret, has followed the sad pattern of inflation that was introduced to us by the outrageous increase in price of the Boots Meal Deal.

Freshers this year will think they know what a hangover is, but those who knew of the £5 deal will tell them otherwise.

Talking exclusively to The Tab, New Zealand wines attempted to justify their huge mistake and explain that they’re still “crazily cheap”.

“Manufacturing costs have gone up but we’re still much cheaper than most other people.”


Understandably, this isn’t enough for their devoted patrons and the scandal has provoked Fallowfield residents to wine about their distress.

Third year English student Fia poetically described the feeling of waking up after drinking the notorious wine: “It’s honestly a hangover you get from no other type of drink, one where you can physically feel each suspicious ingredient trying to force its way out of your skull, and you know you deserve it.

“You save money before the night but come the morning after, you pay the price.”

Long-standing NZ wines veteran Shannon said: “I find it hard to believe I now live in a world where I wont be able to buy a packet of fags and two bottles of wine for pres.

“The economy is out of control. Can you believe how many freshers will never know the beautiful deal we once knew?

“I don’t even know if I can describe the ferocity of a NZ wine hangover.”

This will now set you back £12

Third year English Lit student Avi said: “I am outraged by the situation, you think you can rely on New Zealand and Premier for cheap wine. They must’ve been in it together. Now this has happened who knows how much higher it will go. A revolution is imminent. #reclaimthewine”

Economic worries are also widespread, with History third year Conor concerned about how loans will cover the increase: “I find it absolutely outrageous. How dare they increase the price?

“The government should give us more money.”