What makes a beautiful penis?

‘I have a massive bucket so it’s all about the girth’

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Researchers from the University of Zurich have found the ultimate formula for the perfect penis, and it turns out it’s not based on length. Apparently girth and “cosmetic appearance” are major factors when judging penises on their beauty. But what else floats your boat? We asked the people of London what their perfect penis would look like.

After the first people we spoke to either ran away from us or turned out to be pre-wedding virgins who “honestly had no idea”, but eventually we found a few experts in the field who were happy to share their findings.

She knows her way around a gherkin

She knows her way around a gherkin

Bertha said: “Guys always think it’s all about the size, but girls don’t. It’s about the journey not the orgasm, boys really don’t need the ‘porno penis’.

“If they do shave, they need to keep shaving. When it grows back it hurts.”


Stay away from the prickly pineapples, don’t go bananas with your razor


Sun, sex and samosas

Augustus said: “The bigger it is the better it is for your confidence I guess. Technique is more important, as long as you can keep a girl satisfied that’s the main thing.”


Lock up your sons

Anastasia said: “Acres or inches, size matters, and if the moisturiser’s right we can go all night.

“As long as it doesn’t look like you’re gonna catch something from it you’re good to go.”



Bernard said: “Size doesn’t matter – you don’t even have to use it if you know what you’re doing ’cause some girls can get an orgasm from just playing with their breasts and stuff like that.”


9 inches? Are you barking mad?

Jemima said: “Penises kinda all look quite similar I would say. Although I would love to say size doesn’t matter I think it does. You don’t want something that isn’t gonna do the job, but it’s not all about having a nine inch penis, if you can’t use it properly what’s the point?

“I think guys worry too much about what it looks like and getting it up. At the end of the day they’re made the way they are and we all have an off day.”

Bit ambitious

Bit ambitious

Hermione said: “I have a massive bucket, so it’s all about the girth. But then again I wouldn’t want something that’s hard to find, if you know what I mean. No cocktail sausages in this cathedral.”


You’ll have a whale of a time with him

Willard said: “Yeah I think size is the most important thing. For sure.”


‘Nothing that tapers off at the end’

Claude said: “In proportion, well groomed, and nothing that’s going to make you jump, it has to be presentable. Length is obviously a factor but it’s not the most important one.”


Belinda said: “Looks don’t matter, it’s all about the quantity.”