Stop patronising me because I’m a fresher

No I won’t down it

After two horrendous years of tackling A-levels and months of intense preparation and excitement you finally arrive at uni. It’s been tough. And then everyone takes the piss out of you.

It’s a tradition as old as time itself. You’re a first year and therefore the butt of everyone’s joke. Forget that name your parents carefully picked out – you’ll be henceforth known only as “fresher” (or “freshaaa” when the sun goes down).

There’s a few words in life that always make everyone wince – “moist”, “flange”, and “bae”. But there’s a set of predictable phrases that will make every fresher’s skin crawl more. They will haunt you from September until June.

‘Please, you’re only a fresher’

There were ten on the back seat of the bus

It’s the classic. Employed exclusively by the resentful second year who took particularly badly to their fresher experience.

‘How cute are the new freshers?!’

A popular choice for second years with a newfound sense of maturity. By the way, we were in the same year at school and I’m older than you.


pre-chunder stance

‘If you think that’s hard just wait ’till third year’

It might be annoying when first years take up valuable space in the library but you do actually need 40% to progress from fresher to piss taker, and trust me… you want to progress.

Freshers need the library too

We got a picture in factory, so what?

Bus journeys are another prime time for fresher-bashing. Yes, I’m getting off at the stop for Factory, leave me alone. And don’t think that we don’t see the smug look on your faces when we get off at Owens Park and you stay on the bus. Congrats for living in Withington by the way.

And even after all this, just when you think you’ve escaped all the ridicule for the day, your lecturers are at it too. Everything’s a “trivial example” and “‘if you don’t understand this by now you might as well just leave”.

Just remember, freshers are people too (just not until second year).