How not to be a fresher

The Tab’s all important guide to fast-tracking your way to BNOC status by not becoming the freshest first year around.


It’s an easy trap to fall into, but realistically it isn’t cool. Freshers, you stick out like a sore thumb and quite frankly it can get pretty embarrassing.

It may not be as bad as Year 7s and their gargantuous backpacks, but there’s a way to do your first year of uni without looking like a massive twat.

Primarily, be edgy as fuck. Dressing head to toe in an amalgamation of Primarni and River Island will set you off on the wrong foot. Make Oxfam, Cancer Research and Age Concern your new go to shops, because who cares if somebody died in your new £3 blazer, you’ll be the only person with it and you’ll fit right in with the cool kids.

The right kinda of fre$h

The right kinda of fre$h

It’s not just a question of charity shops either; if you want to avoid blatant fresher status, get yourself a flannel shirt and some vintage Levi’s from a bearded man working in a hidden away vintage shop.

He's so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop...

He’s so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop…

However, it’s obvious that being a newbie isn’t all about your clothes, you’ve got to act the part as well. In Fresher’s week it may be deemed acceptable to get rowdy on the bus on the way to an organised UV ‘rave’ where you’ll drink £1 skittle bombs all night whilst dancing to the likes of Nicki Minaj and Jason Derulo.

But unless you want your friends to laugh at you in the long run, leave the rowdy (and quite honestly mainstream) you in Fresher’s week.

Go and find yourself a damp and dark basement where you can drink a can of Red Stripe with an up and coming student DJ playing some kind of techno and house. You won’t get tagged in endless trashy and highly edited Facebook photos afterwards, and you might actually enjoy yourself.

Having a pardy with the bois...

Having a pardy with the bois…

Reaaaaally?

One for the mantlepiece

Speaking of being a knob on a night out, try to avoid being photographed in your favourite kebab or chicken shop post lash.

You might just regret endless Facebook photos of yourself devouring some cheesy chips whilst you kiss the kebab shop owner on the cheek…

Silly freshers

Silly freshers

You could even get your own Kebab King collage

Don’t embarrass yourself by advertising everything you do on Facebook. Yes, it might be true that you’re hosting pre-drinks in your flat and you may want to portray yourself as the uni’s most hospitable student, but nobody wants a notification telling them and every other fresher on the Facebook group to “Bring your own bottle!!!”

Don't be that guy

Don’t be that guy

Surprisingly, you may want to do some work. To stop officially being a fresher you actually have to get into second year, so give up with all the bullshit about how you only need 40% to pass so you’re just going to stay in bed and watch Breaking Bad instead of waking up for your afternoon lectures. You’re not fooling anyone.

Obviously nobody likes that pretentious medic who refuses to go out mid week due to a 9am lecture, but when you don’t pass because you had one too many jagerbombs, you’ll look like a knob.

And last, but by no means least, don’t become a club promoter. In the world of uni, these are the worst kinds of people. Never did anyone mention how much they love their Facebook notifications being spammed by someone they met once in a shitty club, inviting them 3 times a day to go to that same shitty club for £1.

We’d all rather buy a pack of 8 fun size apples from Lidl.