How to leave a one-night stand with dignity

One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.

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At 1 am and after four 90p jaeger bombs, it seemed like a great idea to go home with this value vodka-smelling stranger who’d started grinding up against you.  But now it’s 10am, and you’re waking up in a strange bed straddling this sweating slab of flesh. Your mouth feels like sandpaper, you’ve got a headache, and they smell funny. Stop! Don’t run for the door. You’re an adult now, and these situations have to be handled with adult-levels of dignity.

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The man in the suit claims his prize while the underdressed Mr. Tie-dye can only look on

Go Back to Sleep

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The glass says Guinness but it’s actually water

Yes: even if you’re really thirsty and squashed against the wall. The person snoozing next to you has got you laid and shared their bed with you for the night. The least you can do is give them another hour of sleep before they have to turf out the parasite stealing their duvet (that’s you, by the way). Waiting also avoids them waking to the sight of your genitals in their face as you climb over them, which is also a bonus. If you really can’t sleep, use this time to take a survey of the room for your clothes: it prevents you stumbling around naked searching for them later.

Engage in Small Talk

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A relative of Mr. Tie-Dye from picture #1

You’ve exchanged body parts and bodily fluids with this person: it’s not hard to exchange a few words. If you’re just going to sit rigor mortis style looking disgusted or terrified they may as well have gone to Anne Summers and got the same satisfaction from an evening in with the internet.

Leave on your own accord

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Please keep your feet off seats

They sit up: “Yeah I’ve got to be in uni in an hour”. They check their phone. They run their fingers through their hair and sigh “What’re you up today then”? Get the hint? The great big shrieking, screaming hint that you need to fuck off now because they’ve got a life to start living, and you evidently haven’t? They’re tired and hungover, and so are you. Yeah you really liked them and it’s not fair, but go back and soak your tears in your own fluffy duvet – leave theirs alone.

Become friends with the flat mates

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Ideally avoid them altogether. In the unfortunate circumstances that you encounter their judging gazes, either over breakfast (you stayed? Controversial!) or as you hurry to locate the outside door, just be nice. Even if it’s sickeningly nice and repaid by a look of contempt: it means they’ll dislike you rather than want to eat your guts.

Get dressed before you leave

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The reason that the lights in the background are blue is because they have a shorter wavelength than their conventional counterparts

Ditch the walk of shame and aim to be featured in The Tab’s best dressed on campus, (just ignore the fact that you’re probably going the opposite direction to uni). Also, remember Taxis exist, and for a price it might be worth paying to avoid bumping into your flat mate’s course mate’s friend. This is especially the case when you’re still green from that superhero themed fancy dress last night.

And Finally…

Whilst you’re sure to leave some one night stands scared to drink alcohol again, others can transform your opinion of which league you’re playing in, from the Marilyn Manson to Monroe. Though don’t get too far ahead of yourself, champ. Just because you vaguely recall them rutting against you or vice versa, doesn’t mean you’re ready to start planning the honeymoon. And if they’re a dick, remember to mention to your loudest friend about how they wanted to reenact scenes from ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ with you (which you obviously declined).

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