I failed my degree, what next?

It’s the end of second semester, 3 am on a Thursday night, and after another sick night in Factory, you failed to pull (again). Riding swiftly past the learning commons, top deck of the Magic Bus, you wonder to yourself why the hell people are still studying at this time of night. Then it hits you. Exams.

With the realisation that you have no hope in hell of passing your degree, you resort to crying yourself to sleep face down in a kebab. You’ve basically partied away your degree, ending up thousands of pounds in debt and have nothing to show for it but a higher than average alcohol tolerance and a fucked up sleeping pattern.  Where did the last three years go?

When you’re not partying, you spent your uni career sitting alone in your room in your underwear looking for any excuse to avoid doing work (basically what we are doing right now). Your life is pathetic and you know it.

I mean, come on, you know things are bad when your best chat up lines get you no where on Tinder. And you’re a girl.

Not even previous flings want anything to do with you any more.

Even though you’re a failure at pretty much everything, it’s not too late to turn it around. Failing your degree is not the end of the world, and to prove it we’ve compiled a list of the best options for people in your situation. Enjoy.

Drive a Magic Bus

The very place that your dreams of finishing university with even a 3rd slowly slipped away. The perks: Getting to witness first hand others going through the same. The cons: You’ll probably end up old, bitter, and with ‘bloody students’ as a favourite catchphrase.

Become a lap dancer

For the skinny beautiful ones amongst us, this one’s for you. Lap dancers are always in demand, you’d be self employed, and it’s pretty damn good money. Fatties and eye sores, keep reading.

Go to Man Met

Possibly an absolute last resort for many, the prospect of going to this less-than-prestigious monstrosity just down the road seems like a low you thought you’d never sink to. But just think about this for a second, even though you’ve drank away what seems like most of your brain cells, the remaining ones would still probably be enough to ensure you graduate top of your class.

Go on the dole

Probably better than the last option. You wont be forced to interact with lowlifes at Man Met, and think of all the free time you’ll have. Perfect. The good thing is, it’s actually better not to have a degree if you choose this option. The mere fact that you at least attended university will make you more qualified than the staff who actually work there.

Become a teacher

This one’s mainly for the people who didn’t necessarily fail their degree, but still have no job prospects whatsoever. We’re thinking Art History, Philosophy, anything ending in ‘-ology’ for this one. Because you know what they say, ‘those who can’t do, teach’. “Oh you did Biology, so you want to be a science teacher?”

Become a Fallowfield legend

You may or may not have heard, but the it was reported last week that the legendary take-out joint Chicken King found found up for sale on Zoopla. Fancy giving Kebab King’s Paz a bit of friendly competition? Think you have what it takes to provide questionable cuisine and sub-standard hygiene to Fallowfield students? For a mere half million your dreams could become a reality.

Become a street performer

Have a special talent you want to share with others? Love the outdoors? Love interacting with the general public? If you answered yes to all of these then street performing is your calling! Competition is fierce though, and with legends like band the Piccadilly Rats lurking on the scene, the more outrageous and out of the ordinary, the better.

Start a business

This one’s pretty self explanatory. Spot a gap in the market? Got an innovative idea you think people would just be dying to grab onto? You don’t need any qualification, just the confidence in your product and in yourself. You never know, you may be the next Sir Alan.

Become a YouTube sensation

Upload some dodgy videos, get millions of hits and dedicated viewers, become a YouTube partner, get paid a bucket load. If others can do it so can you. Simple.

Live off the ‘rents’

Mainly for the upper-class, also known as ‘rahs’, who are only at university for the simple reason that they have to wait until 25 when they gain access to their trust fund. They don’t really need to pass, they’re just here for the shits and giggles.

Get famous

For those of you who have no talent, no charisma and no real ambition whatsoever, our advice would be to just do anything you can to get into the tabloids. Want to be featured in The Tab? Walk around naked in the library. Thinking of something a little bigger? Enter Big Brother, where a grand total of 500 avid Channel 5 viewers will know your name for a few months. You may even get recognised in the street or get a double page spread in Heat Magazine.