The OP dining hall is the Mean Girls cafeteria of Manchester

From the hipsters, to the creatine crew – each table has its own type that screams “you can’t sit with us”

catered meals mean girls

“You’ll meet different people every evening,” or so we were told when we took those first tentative steps into the lion’s den, that is a catered dining hall. A social runway is established where we all partake in the daily task of ‘people-watching’ as our evening entertainment. A place where social conditioning becomes your very own knife and fork, here are a few characters you might want to keep an eye out for…

1.) HIP-STEReotypically public school

Although they may look like second-hand bohemians, these guys mean business. The hard knock life of growing up in the ghettos of London has taken its toll where they need to reinvent trends from the 80’s just to make ends meet. That is until, they go back home for the weekend shoot.

HOW TO SPOT: Look for the pony tail, the size of a cocktail sausage.



2. ) The Sharks

A branch off from the more traditional lads, sometimes crudely referred to as ‘fanny rats’, this group has developed a voracious appetite for the opposite sex, allowing them to sniff out poontang from any given distance, at any given time, and at any given place. Social networking is simply a means to an end.

HOW TO SPOT: Women chat on the menu, breakfast, lunch ’n’ dinner


Nasal passages are open and ready for business

3.) Mulberry Munchers

A welcoming distraction from the dog shit you happen to be eating, these ‘plastics’, sorry, ladies, cause the biggest head spin of the evenings events, probably because you only need a chip, shaped like a cock passport to enter their nation state ‘Concubine Central’.

HOW TO SPOT: The Sharks’ noses begin to twitch

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Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

4.) Creatine Crew

With arms like legs its hard not to miss these guys. The type of guy who did their neknominate in a politics lecture and known by the feat of ‘the bloke who can give himself head’. Dinner will probably be the only time you see them outside the gym changing rooms.

HOW TO SPOT: When you go to get bread and realise there is none


Tensin ‘n’ Flexin

5.) Mary Jane Monks

The red-eyed bandits who spend more time inside than an international student studying engineering.  Unless you’re a fan of Wayne’s World or National Geographic don’t expect much mutual ground from these subdued stoners. Weed is one of their five-a-day.

HOW TO SPOT: The last people in there with an appetite like nobody else

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6.) The Fillers

Pretty much everyone else who couldn’t be specifically stereotyped. The Fillers, as the title suggests, just fill the room. Nothing particularly special or interesting about them, and their conversation is about as relevant as the fifth series of Misfits.

HOW TO SPOT: Not worth the hassle


Does what it says on the tin…