How to pull a fresher in five easy steps

The definitive guide to first year fun


1. Act REALLY cool

You’ve been here over a year now, you know this place. No Manchester related knowledge is beyond you and your potential fresher conquest needs to know it. People who think leaving their halls to get a pizza is daring will lose their shit at tales from Manchester’s gritty underbelly. Did you know there’s a secret fetish club near the train station? Did you know there’s a brothel in Fallowfield? Do you know the truth about Sankeys? Exactly, you don’t know. It’s takes one truly experienced bastard to know that crazy shit.

With these skills, they'll be no more weird nights in

With these skills, they’ll be no more weird nights in

2. Pretend to know local celebrities

This trick is killer but be warned – keep it plausible. No one is going to believe that you play 5-a-side with Wayne Rooney. ‘I go star gazing with Brian Cox’ will suffice, or for the less intellectual freshers: ‘I play Laser Quest with Jeremy Kyle’. Keep it current too. ‘I shared a korma with Dwight Yorke’ will get you nowhere with people who don’t remember when 30p could get you 2 Freddos and a pack of Space Raiders.

Just me and my mate Markus

3. Keep the seduction going

By now the saucy little minx/ hunk you have ensnared will be putty in your hands and will certainly want to come back to your cool student house to continue the fun. The battle isn’t yet won, however. No mood – no shag. Pop on David Gray’s ‘White Ladder’ to really get them creaming. Alternatively, if you’re more adventurous, slip into double denim and perform ‘Babylon’ yourself.

1453527_10151903269913163_2112708251_n

No-one wearing double denim has failed to get laid, ever.

4. Impress

It’s time to get down to the coitus. Use protection, it has advantages other than annoying the Catholic Church. Remember to make use of a minimum of 5 positions – you’re the experienced one, it’s your job to show them the ropes and blow their mind simultaneously. When you fall, panting, into each others arms after a session of wild tomfoolery, you’ll know you’ve hit the spot.

Not like this

5. Secure

Freshers have a hard time, and as a persecuted underclass, they deserve respect. No respectable lady/ gentleman kicks a Fresher out without A. breakfast B. spooning. These are life’s greatest pleasures after all. If he/she hangs around long enough to catch ‘Homes Under the Hammer’ with a brew, who knows, you may even have a keeper.

photo

Come for the sex, stay for the Tetleys.