The inevitable stages of Tinder

Still not a Tinder pro? Take our advice


Tinder is a tactical, often ruthless battlefield. If you aren’t on it for the same reason as the other 99% or you don’t play your card rights then you’ll face a blackout. No swipey, no likey!

So you’ve just downloaded Tinder after the hype from all your friends but you quickly realise the motive behind this saucy app.

And so it begins

And so it begins

Getting a ‘match’

The first stage of this application for love requires you getting a match with your perfect ideal but depending on your gender or how revealing you are, this is just the first of many hurdles you’ll need to overcome.

For girls, it’s simple. If your picture contains a textbook pout, limited clothing or an innocent selfie then a swipe to the right will provide you with a match without fail, just don’t expect Mr perfect.

For guys you have to be more tactical. A simple ‘Tinder Spree’ will often increase your chance of a match, but this is usually after 100 jabs to the right and an intoxicated yes from the girl. And unless your profile is as flawless as your UCAS application you will struggle to process to the next stage.

The interview

So you’ve got your match but the reason why you’re on Tinder is being established. You have one chance to break the ice… so what do you say?!

Very often an effortless ‘Hi’ will lead to no response and being branded as a ‘creep’. Okay, so maybe try a compliment. Seems charming, right? If you’re a guy then wrong, as most girls will assume you want to be in their pants (not usually far from the truth). For the ladies, you will boost the guy’s mojo greater than Austin Powers and this will comfortably take you to the final stage.

Schoolboy error

Schoolboy error

Statistically, humour is always a safe bet, which seems like a joke but don’t be fooled. The ability to continually pull out pun after pun will win over even the most stone cold ice queen and will take you through to the next stage.

Something fishy about this match

Something fishy about this match

The final stage

Your time hiding behind Tinder is over and rather than continue this cyber relationship it’s now time to actually meet them. There are two common outcomes:

1. The date. A traditional method of a drink or dinner that more often than not results in ‘friendzoning’ due to the amount of talking and lack of rash, drunken decisions. Was this really why you were on Tinder?

2. The one-night stand. Most frequently this is a result of drunk Tinder exchanges, where the guy decides to sprint back from 5th to Fallowfield to end his goal drought. Although this is not true love does this mean you successfully completed the application?

True love?

True love?

Unless you are on Tinder for the stereotypical reason then finding true love on the app is like leaving Owen’s Park for a night out without being greeted by the Magic Bus Lady. Impossbile.