So, you’re going to your very first ‘house’ night

A step by step guide to becoming a third year house monkey


Freshers! You’ve got yourselves into a top university, doing a fantastic degree in a city that is thriving with activity, and you feel great.

Half of the year has gone, and you may be beginning to realize that a lot of people around are a little bit ‘edgy’. You may be realizing that there are more nights to go to than the standard cheesefests. By this point, you are intrigued, and are hoping to try out your new discoveries – and visit these more ‘edgy’ nights.

You would be forgiven for thinking that this is okay, and to think ‘hey, let’s just give this night a go shall we? See what it’s like?’

Well folks, unfortunately this is not the case. You see, being a fresher it is likely that you are still wearing Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, Topshop/man, River Island, or any clothes that you’d find on the high street in fact. Walk into any of these venues like this, and you can safely say that each hipster-wannabe in there will have laughed about you as you walked past.

Because, god forbid, you are enjoying their music, but not wearing their clothes.

It doesn’t work like that, guys, if you want to listen to house music, you have to buy into every element of it. Anything short of that, and I’m afraid you won’t be cool.

To help, here’s a step by step guide as to what to wear when trying a new ‘edgy’ night out!

It’s time to stop looking like everyone else and, well… start looking like everybody else!

Meet Rikin and Charlie, our models for today. This is how a stereotypical fresher will dress to go out.

Our freshly picked freshers

First of all, the hair. Let’s do something about that.

Short back n' sides please, sir

Short back n’ sides please, sir

Rikin lost the battle with the lawn mower

Rikin lost the battle with the lawn mower

I know it’s hot, and i know no-one wears it correctly, but it’s cool..remember? If you can, get carhartt!

If you don't want to cut, then just grow.

If you don’t want to cut, then just grow.

Maybe some hoops for that extra touch?

Maybe some hoops for that extra touch?

That’s better! By no means can you ever have lengthy sides as a boy, let’s lop them right off Rikin! As for the girls, only a scrunchie will do.

Next up, we need to sort out the upper half. Hollister? Social suicide my friend.

Something particularly baggy. Make sure that it is vintage, and even if it's not, make it unique by tie dying it yourself. Of course, make it a sports make if you're going to tie dye it.

Rikin making sure he loves it ‘deep’, Chalie fashioning the tie dye

Something particularly baggy. Make sure that it is vintage, and even if it’s not, make it unique by tie dying it yourself. Of course, make it a sports make if you’re going to tie dye it.

'Dey see me rollin'

‘Dey see me rollin’

Don’t forget to roll those sleeves up!

Charlie has even gone to the lengths of purchasing a ‘wind-breaker’. This is vital out(in)wear for those of you thinking of listening to house music. No matter how hot the club may get, it must remain on person. Cloakroom? Absolutely not, if you really can’t bear it, tie it round your waist.

Is that a kite that you are wearing?

Is that a kite that you are wearing?

Okay, now the lower half. Those jeans have also been purchased by Hollister, haven’t they Rikin? Charlie, a skirt is too girly for where you’re going to be heading off to. Try this:

There we go!

There we go!

Perfect. The boy’s jeans are spray on, the girl’s slightly more baggy.

Lastly, shoes. A pivotal moment in your selection if you are to become a true house monkey.

If you are in doubt, just buy shoes with a bubble in them.

If you are in doubt, just buy shoes with a bubble in them.

And there we have it! You are now ready to go out and enjoy house music responsibly!

One more thing, remember your attitude. Wipe that smile off of your face, because you’re going to have to take yourself more seriously than you ever have done before. It is imperative that you do not break from this character.

Oh, and from now on if anyone is going to any of the nights that you previously enjoyed. You have to judge them, and pretend you never enjoyed them yourself.

Our transformation is complete.

This article was originally published on The Tab Manchester.