How to be a smug bastard on Valentine’s Day

The Tab’s guide to that mushy feeling you get on 14th February


I’ll admit it. I’m a big fan of Valentine’s Day.  I wouldn’t tend to say that I’m a diehard romantic, but I’ve watched enough crap romcoms to know how to be a bit loving and, here at The Tab, they’re letting me share my wisdom.

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Puke

Yep, this is what your typical smug bastard looks like.

Yep, this is what your typical smug bastard couple looks like.

Buy flowers.

It’s a cliché, but it works. The bigger the better. If it’s an option, give them to your significant other on the street so that they have to walk around with them, so that people stare and ask questions. There is something about flowers, a chemical in the pollen perhaps, which makes people feel more in love than ever. Fresh flower buying increases by 40% in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day. It’s sad really, as those flowers you lovingly bought will be dead in just over a week. A metaphor for your relationship, perhaps?

Ready ladies?

Ready ladies?

Go to a nice restaurant.

Yes, it sounds obvious but there has been a frightening trend recently to be “alternative” and take your true love to McDonald’s or somewhere else sickeningly cheap. Is it really desirable to be gazing into each other’s eyes over a Big Mac? I think not. Valentine’s Day falls in that great time of the year where everyone has paid off their Christmas debts but not yet paid for or planned summer holidays. We know you can afford it. It’s not hard: book a table for two. Yes, this means you may have to talk to people for longer than a minute. True love demands that sometimes.

"A Happy Meal and a Big Mac? Babe, you shouldn't have!"

“A Happy Meal and a Big Mac? Babe, you shouldn’t have!”

Stuffed toys are always good.

Admittedly, it’s the same formula as flowers: bigger is always better, and if you give a giant stuffed bear to someone in the street, it’s always hilarious to watch them struggle as they walk away. Whilst it’s true that stuffed animals could be considered as children’s toys, the companies that propel Valentine’s Day down our throats deem it an acceptable gift, and who are we to mess with their knowledge.

One from each valentine

One from each valentine

Life's hard when you're in love

Life’s hard when you’re in love

That’s it really. The basic formula is whatever you think is subtle, rethink that and go for something ridiculously cheesy and over the top. Valentine’s Day has become a barometer for how much we love our significant others. Yes, it is a consumerist craze, but screw it. If you see me on Valentine’s Day, I’ll be the one struggling with the massive bouquet of flowers and giant teddy bear clutching a heart and you’ll be sniggering at me.