‘Meaning is mainstream’: The Tab’s guide to being edgy
You’ll be edgier than a dodecahedron after reading The Tab’s essential guide.
Tired of blending in with the wallpaper? Sick of looking like a walking advert for Forever 21 like the rest of the population?
Here to save you is The Tab’s guide to being edgy. For all you highly-confused mainstream people out there: being normal just isn’t good enough any more…
1. Invest in a scrunchie.
Clearly do not go to Urban Outfitters to do so, that would be far too mainstream. For extra edge, leave hair unwashed for 4-6 days (don’t even consider using that Batiste girlfriend: you’ve gotta look like a scag’ed to really complete the look).
2. Acquire a completely pointless tattoo of a shape.
The more pointless the tattoo, the edgier you become. Think straight lines and dots. Meaning is mainstream.
3. Do background work on DJs normal people have never heard of.
Pretend to everyone you know all about them and have even had sex with some. Edgy people cannot sleep with mainstream humans in case they become infected with normality. Edgy conquests, edgy life.
4. Dress in the dark.
Who says a 90s Adidas tie-dye top doesn’t look smashing with a pair of velvet leggings. Add a bindi for extra effect. Head turning.
5. Edgy people don’t have ‘tellies.’
Confine yourself to your room and do drugs bought with daddy’s credit card whilst flicking through AnOther magazine. Edgy people must radiate independence. No one can be like them – apart from their friends who all look the same.
6. Edgy people love irony.
Compose yourself in any jacket as seen on chavs and a pair of unwashed oversized Levis from Oxfam and wait patiently for daddy to collect you from University in his Merc.
7. Start smoking.
The more you damage your body with cigs and drugs, the edgier you become. Pass the smack.
8. Become a vegan gluten-free low G.I nut free kale consuming eater.
Cut out dairy. Asda is for normal people and you are what you eat.
9. Try not to let the pressure of withholding dirty secrets get to you.
Remember you have no idea who David Guetta is, regardless of his songs mysteriously appearing on your iPod.
Does the word ‘edge’ look strange to you now? Yep, me too: living on the edge has its downsides.