Man Uni vs. Man Met
We judged the two universities on some highly irrelevant criteria. Here is what we found.
One road, two universities and almost 75,000 students – rivalry between Man Uni and Man Met was always bound to be fierce.
Lucky for them, students at Man Uni have long rest assured that their superiority has gone unrivalled. But the old poly is building a formidable reputation, and competition between our respective establishments is being fuelled like never before.
Okay, so this competition might not be based on the likes of academic reputation or world-class scientific discoveries, but since when did that judge a great university? Let’s forget the boring stuff and analyse the things that really matter.
So ignore league tables and don’t even think about mentioning noble laureates. Getting to the heart of the matter, let’s see if the gap is finally closing between the city’s two universities. Has Man Uni finally found itself a worthy adversary?
Using highly relevant statistics, we will soon find out:
Which students drink the most?
This study shows how many units each student, on average, drinks in a week:
University of Manchester: 20.1 (22nd in UK)
Manchester Metropolitan: 12.6 (63rd in UK)
A win for Man Uni – in fact it wasn’t even close. How do students at Man Uni consume almost 7 units more per week than their Oxford Road cousins? Is it down to the inherent social nature of the students? Or have those at the Met finally accepted binge drinking as an activity reserved for those who can afford to lose a few brain cells?
We’re not one to judge…
Bad luck Man Met – clearly that Tesco value vodka just wasn’t up to the job.
WINNER: Man Uni
Which Uni is the most down to earth?
They’re known as Rahs by some and Toffs by others. As fresher’s they move across the campus in packs, strutting superiorly as though with daddy on the Kings Road. To a few they are Louis and Cressida, who totes smashed Cambridge in last week’s polo match. For many more they are the gap yah set, who dedicate their time to finding new and exotic places to chundaar everywhure. You’ll inevitably encounter these specimens sometime throughout your university career. But a Uni too dominated by their antics can be off-putting. Here are the statistics for the percentage of independent school pupils at each university.
University of Manchester: 21.9%
Manchester Metropolitan: 4.6%
Apparently, the Met is far more rooted in reality than its affluent neighbour. A clear win if ever there was one. Unless of course your 2:2 average means that gold digging is rapidly emerging as your most lucrative career option. In this case head south down Oxford Road, looking out for the classic uniform of Man Uni royalty. When you spot Barbour, get ready to make the catch!
WINNER: Man Met
Which students, on average, have more sexual partners whilst at uni?
These results show the average number of sexual partners, per student at each university.
University of Manchester: 4.08
Manchester Metropolitan: 5.45
That’s a whole person more for Man Met! An embarrassing statistic for Man Uni, which shows their students just aren’t getting enough. With their promiscuous minds focused on such pursuits, no wonder Man Met provides an abundance of free durex in their Student Union.
Meanwhile, Man Uni Union has cut off this service entirely! At least we can assume that when it comes down to ‘business’, as long as their measly student budget has been invested in protection, it’s always safer to take home a Man Uni student!
WINNER: Man Met
Which students have more sexual relations with their housemates?
So the hectic days of first year have drawn to a close and you’re back living in a house again. Except this time you’re not surrounded by siblings and rules… well they’re virtually non-existent. So how many students have taken advantage of their new living circumstances to get a little too close with their new family? Here are the statistics for the percentage of students who have slept with a housemate:
University of Manchester: 18.5% (22nd in UK)
Manchester Metropolitan: 8.4% (75th in UK)
A clear win for Man Uni. These students have clearly learnt to seize opportunities, especially when the opportunity in question is just across the corridor!
75th in the UK, Man Met? Why friend-zoned so quickly?
WINNER: Man Uni
Which is the best sporting university?
The so called Mancunion Varsity Battle is a tense time for sport enthusiasts at both universities. An event of seismic sporting importance, it sees both Uni’s battle each other on the pitch as rival supporters fully embrace the opportunity to chant in no way derogatory and downright degrading abuse at opposite players. The 2013 victor: Man Uni.
And what do BUCS statistics have to say on the matter? Last year saw Man Uni come 9th with 2092.5 points. In comparison Man Met (loyalists look away now) came 60th with 450.5
There’s no need to say who we’re going to call this one for.
WINNER: Man Uni
Which university has the ugliest campus?
Okay, so it would be easy to declare Man Uni the most beautiful. But let’s be reasonable. Look beyond the splendours of the old Quadrangle and things become questionable. For a start, let’s consider the tin can of University Place. I mean it’s no monstrosity, but with a £60 million price tag they might as well have just replicated Versailles. And despite recent exterior works to Roscoe (they’ve successfully updated the building style from the 1960s to 1990s), downfalls exist elsewhere.
Let’s not sugar-coat the obvious, the Man Met campus is no beauty. But at least they try to cause us amusement with buildings such at the “toast rack” in Fallowfield. And their accommodation is fairly modern. Unlike HM Prison Oak House or Owens Park, which looks like some long forgotten council block the authorities forgot to demolish.
I think we’ll call this one a draw.
So despite having less posh people and displaying far more promiscuity around town, it’s evident that Man Met is just unable to compete with its privileged neighbour. When it comes down to the important stuff, Man Uni continues to reign supreme. Now who said universities should be ranked on entry standards and academic reputation? Certainly not us…