10 ways to increase exam stress

We’re all pretty much in the same boat at this time of year – no one has enough work and that little we do have is far too relaxing. If, like us, you crave a little added discomfort in your life, or simply just need to feel the cold sweat of a stress induced panic attic, follow these sure-fire tips to successfully create a tense, anxiety filled paradise.

Listen to horrible music

Ignore your chillstep; try a looped track of terrified animals dying

Background noise is great, but during exam time it’s all about sharp, aggressive ‘foreground noise’. Audiotapes of explosions or the soundtrack to your favourite horror film are our recommendations, but we’ve heard getting a friend to set random alarms on your phone also goes down a treat.

 Think about death

Maybe print this photo our where you’re working too

We don’t mean put exams into perspective; that would be productive. Instead, focus on the unstoppable, inevitable nothingness that waits for you beyond the veil. Remember, it’s not just this exam that doesn’t matter; nothing does.

Deliberately give yourself cramp

Bring rope to effectively constrain that pain

One’s foot or leg tends to be the weapon of choice for this one – simply bend into an uncomfortable position, then trap yourself there and wait for the agony.

Commit murder so you’re always tense

Dead obvious

There’s nothing like guilt to fuck with your mind and there’s no point in half arsing it: it’s murder or nothing. The more obvious that it was you, the better – make your calling card specific and unsubtle.

Wear shoes 2 sizes too small

Never shoes your footwear wisely

When you buy shoes, pretend your toes don’t exist – this guarantees snugness that will make every previously simple stroll feel like your route of choice is made of hot glass.

Eat something you’re allergic to.

Some wealthier students may claim to be allergic to ‘basics’ themselves

If your body is functioning at more than 11%, you’re doing it wrong. If you have a strong allergy, you’re one of the lucky ones – just pop down to Sainsbury’s and buy a bag of peanuts or whatever else makes your face fall off. The rest of us will have to probably buy something fairly toxic to humans in general.

Wear too many clothes so you’re incredibly uncomfortable

No more cold shivers. Just sweat.

Taking off jackets and putting on jumpers as the temperature jumps up and down is a nuisance, so to counter this unwelcome variation, wear 8 jumpers. At least now you’ll know what to expect.

Borrow money off of a loan shark

Consequences are a smart man’s game

Go on holiday with the cash so you don’t have any way of paying them back. Looming dread really raises your blood pressure.

Cut yourself on rusty metal

It’s meant to keep people out, but it looks a bit rusty…………..

Both cheap and easy for your convenience; just find an old bike lock, some wire or a gate and slice your arm on it. You won’t always get Tetanus, and it’s that beauty of not knowing that will stop you sleeping at night. Or the Tetanus will.

Run the scenic route to the library so you arrive exhausted, sweaty and no faster.

Is this not happiness incarnate?

Do you enjoy judging other people in the library? Make someone else’s day for a change and arrive dishevelled, smelling terrible and unable to breathe. The best way to ease into the revision mindset is knowing everyone in the vicinity pities or dislikes you.