Boris Beckham?!

The Tab monologues on Beckham’s dialogue

Beckham News Research Speech Voice


Ah, Manchester. There’s always something to be proud of- Alan Gilbert hasn’t broken in a month and with the advent of £9000 tuition fees, we’re still at the forefront of cutting edge research. Last year it was the groundbreaking new substance, Graphene- which would ‘revolutionize the 21st century’. The latest? Well, this comes from the linguistics department, who’ve been looking into the speech patterns of former Manchester resident turned global brand, David Beckham.

What’ve they learnt about Becks? Apparently, over the course of his extended brand management tour, the Beckham’s have expanded their vocabulary to ‘sound less working class’.

And what done they tested to discern this? With an aim of studying ‘how changing circumstances affect the way we pronounce words’, the research team studied footage of Beckham before and after his 2007 big money move to America.

There was always significant room for improvement...

There was always room for improvement…

They concluded that pre-move Cockney Beckham dropped the ‘H’ in words 80% of the time, but has stepped it up a gear since, dropping it only 20% of the time. According to researchers, this demonstrates that ‘social mobility and geographical location’ can impact the way adults pronounce words- The Tab and EVERY AMERICAN EVER thinks differently. Brits are portrayed in American television as all descended from some arbitrary Earl, enjoy drinking tea with the Queen and speak in a manner that even the late PG Wodehouse would have flinched at. If Beckham hadn’t changed speech patterns he’d probably have been chased out of the country by a baying mob brandishing pitchforks.

The same was found with Beck’s wife, Posh Spice (Up until now, but recently threatened by the arrival of The Wanted, this was widely renowned as the biggest misnomer in music). While in an alternative world, Victoria could have found fame starring in TOWIE, her own speech patterns have also changed. This could be attributed to the higher social circles herself and her ‘tractor exhaust’ of a husband (google it) have been moving in as representatives of the Olympics and Britain, but personally I’d say she just wanted to better fit the profile of a woman who gets married on a throne.


The most dangerous men in the history of nothing

The Tab caught up with Charles Boorman, who conducted the research, and will likely be forever haunted by the title of ‘Beckspert’. ‘We never expected it to reach the press- it was just a project!’ says he, woefully underestimating the general public’s desperate need to know every moribund detail of Brand Beckham’s life. ‘But’, he continued, ‘it is the only way I’ll ever make Page 3 of The Sun, so I’m relatively happy!’. And at least you get to keep your togs on too. More than Beckham ever does anyway.

So, what’ve we learnt? That national news will pick up on anything, even a minute change in dialect, that the University of Manchester might be struggling for achievements lately and that the people who study linguistics are quite a funny cove. The real winners are the Becks of Beckingham palace, as it’s just ever more publicity for them- but at the end of the day, they still once named their children after “This is where we dun what made you”.