Having a big bum might be trendy, but really it’s a pain in the arse

2015 has been the year of the bum. Kim K tried to break the internet with hers, while the likes of Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Lopez made having a fat ass look like the perfect accessory. 

As an owner of a big derrière, however, I can vouch it’s anything but.

Sure, it’s incredibly sexy, and creates the perfect silhouette, but it gets in the way. Literally. Having a size eight waist and a size 14 bum isn’t fun. It’s a pain.

It isn’t all fit Instagram pictures and wedding proposals – more like unwanted stares and painful slaps.

All my jeans rip

See these? They ripped after this photo.

Big bums tend to mean big thighs, which very often result into torn jeans. And not in a stylish, “I’m so vintage” kind of way.

In my first year of uni, I went through three pairs of jeans because my continual chafing kept on tearing through the inner sides of them. My nan told me to stop wearing skinny jeans – I told her to do one.

T-Pain would tell me to buy some Apple Bottom jeans, but I don’t think I can afford too many more. I’m slowly creeping myself into debt by practically funding Topshop with their annual revenue for jeans.

People think it’s alright to slap my bum when I walk past

When I was 17 and hitting up my local Oceana with my mate’s ID, I loved it when older guys used to smack my bum. I felt like a modern day Aphrodite, but with better glutes.

But now, it’s slowly becoming a burden. Yes, I know I look great, but please refrain from pinching my arse – it hurts and I’m way out of your league.

Sure, I may be shaking it all over the place and jiggling it from side to side, but slapping anything hurts. The only time being spanked is acceptable is in the bedroom – not when you stroll passed me while Anaconda is playing and I have just perfected a slut drop. I’ve been practising this for weeks, please don’t ruin it.

And its not only guys that do this – girls do it too. I can’t even count the amount of times a girl has slapped my arse and then told me it was because it’s so inviting. What does that even mean? Just because you’re a female does not mean you can get away with this.

My body belongs to my boyfriend, not to some little fresher, so try harder next time.

My thighs overflow when I sit down

Even the skinniest of girls understand this issue, so imagine what it’s like when you carry 80 per cent of your body weight on your bum and thighs.

If I sit next to someone on the tube, I always apologise for the fact my bum will be skimming alongside their leg for the remainder of my journey. And don’t even get me started on lecture theatre chairs. They’re made for primary school kids. I can probably get one thigh on there before the overflowing begins.

Same happens for toilets. The sides of my legs roll over the edges so I get the pleasure of feeling the cold, hard porcelain on my skin. It makes me want to gag.

I can’t take part in summer fashion trends

I’m sorry, what are high waisted shorts? To this day, I will never understand how this item of clothing could ever fit someone.

Being an optimistic 15-year-old, I bought a pair one year. This was probably one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. Not only were my arse cheeks swinging about four inches below the accepted amount of bum-crease showing, but my gargantuan thighs were forcing the shorts to ride up so high that I had a camel toe Carol Vorderman would be proud of.

Loose mini skirts are a massive no-go also. What may seem like an appropriate length at the front, tells a whole different story as soon as I turn around.

Major Lazer told us in 2013 that Bubble Butts were where it was at, but they never realised that they’re a bloody nightmare when trying to find the perfect outfit to wear to Outlook festival.

I can just about wear a bikini, but only if the shop have the Mix and Match option, otherwise it will look like my bum is trying to eat the briefs. Not really the look I am going for.

So while being pear-shaped can be a dream, overall it’s more of a nightmare.