A heartfelt tribute to the unsung heroes of Lufbra
Where would we be without these legends?
We all recognise the faces of the cleaners, library staff and bin men. We might not know their names, but we know they keep everything going with their valuable work behind the scenes.
Someone stole your laptop? No problem. They’ll sort it out for you. Miss your mum? Don’t worry – they’ll offer a cuddle and a cuppa. Can’t find where your lecture is? No worries – they’ll give you a detailed, hand-drawn map, where your destination is noted with a luminous, pink heart.
These people are our saviours. They listen to our problems, tell us how great we look even if we have mascara on our foreheads and last night’s sick on our chin, and make deadline week bearable as they fill our days with happiness and joy.
Halls of residence receptionists and hall managers
These wonderful people basically keep us sane in first year. Lose your key after a heavy Hey Ewe? Jackie will sort you out and give you a swanky, brand new one.
Ordered the latest Peplum top off of ASOS and you don’t know where to collect it from? Jackie will magic it out from her Mary Poppins bag and place it into your Fresher arms.
They are the Mother Hens of Halls, who will love you even if you get the dreaded Desmond as they don’t judge.
They fill you with positive energy, as at 8:30am on a Monday when you have to make the morning commute to the other side of campus, they’ll smile at you and tell you to have a marvellous day.
LSU bar staff
What makes these people so great is that they’re students who have devoted their precious time to supporting and encouraging your alcoholism. They work their absolute balls off to ensure that you have a quality FND, that’s filled with Sourz and VK’s.
You would have thought that they would have given up after having to spend most of their time decoding what drunk Freshers are saying, but they plough through as your happiness and dehydration is more important.
They’ll always ask for your student card so they can swipe it to get you extra points. They understand the desire for free shit, and they support it wherever they can.
You might annoy them by paying for three doubles in five pence coins, but they don’t moan. They solider on, heads up, leading the way.
Pilks cafe ladies
These women were sent down from God to feed us. And boy do they make life worth living.
Sandra (far right) will whip you up whatever you want to eat, ranging from cheese and bean filled jacket potatoes to pulled pork paninis, whilst also asking you where you got your jumper from as it’s ‘very flattering and gorgeous’.
They make the Lufbra accent sound sexy, yet mothering at the same time. Only true champions could pull this off.
Just look at their beautiful smiles. They make the Pilks experience more memorable than the time you saw Professor Green play at the Freshers Ball, as these spectacular ladies fill you day with potato salad and joy.
Angela, Carol, Alison, Lorraine and Sandra are the ultimate girl group. Without them, life would lack meaning. We salute you.
Campus bin men
All under 5ft 2″, equipped with a North Face fleece and sporting facial hair that Father Christmas would be proud of, these lovely lads are the cutest aspect of our university. They trudge along, wishing everyone a good morning who they pass.
When they approach each campus bin, they’re as happy as Wall-E when they get to sort our the non-recyclables from the plastics. They’ve all worked here since 1974, meaning that they’ll tell you stories like he’s a WW2 Veteran.
Come the dreaded Midlands wind, or scorching England sun, they’re out their in full force, cleaning up all our crap.Beer cans, Vodka bottles, Kebab boxes, used condoms, you name it, they’ve binned it.
They keep our beloved Lufbra campus looking Instagram-worthy, creating the illusion to visitors and prospective students that we are mature, young individuals who don’t get so drunk that they shit themselves in front of their one night stands.
PC clinic helpers
You find yourself halfway through your dissertation, when your laptop decides to crash. You’re filled with panic, and contemplate throwing yourself off the top of Towers. But then you remember the PC Clinic counter in Pilks.
You run there, carrying your MacBook Pro, crying your eyes out as you’ve come to the realisation that you may have to re-write 5000 words on Homer’s The Odyssey. You hand your laptop to one of the helpers, who inspects it for approximately three seconds.
All of a sudden, a set of fairy wings pop out from under their polo and they whip out their pink wand, swishing it at your laptop. There is a puff of glittery smoke. It’s fixed. And all your hard work magically reappears on the screen.
Okay, this doesn’t literally happen, but it may as well. The PC Clinic is run by magical beings who make the impossible happen – even if they simply restart your device, you will love them for all eternity.
In my Fresher year, our cleaner Helen used my milk to make herself a cuppa. Did I care? Absolutely not. Why not? Because she was the ultimate babe.
Everyday, their gleaming purple, Imago uniforms grace the corridors with their heavenly presence. They eradicate all your Stuesday mistakes, by scrubbing away Lambrini and chunder stains from your kitchen floor.
Your bedroom is a tip, and your one night stand still hasn’t left, but they don’t judge. They empty your condom and crisp packet-ridden bin, and scrub your bathroom to utter perfection. They’re like the modern day Snow White, but with sex appeal and Flash wipes.
Sadly, they’re very often taken for granted, and only truly appreciated when students move into dingy, spider-infested homes in town as they then realise that they’ll have to remove their own skid marks off the toilet.