Campus safari: What your Loughborough sport says about you

Here at Luff we’re famous for our sporting prowess. Whether it’s Cricket, Hockey or Quidditch, we absolutely destroy any other uni that comes in our way.

What sport you play here at our hallowed institution says a lot about who you are – ranging from the dench, bearded Rugby players to slim and freshly shaved Triathlete by way of toothless Hockey players.

But what does your sport says about your character?

Rugby

This is one of the most respected and successful clubs at Luff, but don’t worry – they’ve probably already told you that.

These larger than life characters often come in at nothing less than 100kg and can be easily spotted dressed head to toe in their high fashion purple, Kukri, rugby stash and snapback.

These are the guys that give public school a bad name but don’t let that ruin your opinion of them. The bad hygiene and relentless chanting will do that for you.

Yes, lads we know: Lufbra walks on water. No-one cares.

One of the real benefits of being a part of this club however is the real loyal family environment. They’re a band of brothers always prepared to do battle. They move in packs and always have each other’s back – a bit like a posse of Western lowland gorillas, but with a degree in Sport Science. You can imagine them all sitting together on the rugby pitch, eating fleas off each other as it’s the ultimate source of protein.

Hockey

Hockey is probably one of the stranger sports – a bit like football, but with a stick shaped like a Nike tick, and a posture only Quasimodo would be proud of.

The girls look like something you saw on Goosebumps when you were are kid.  Built like a brick-shithouse and possessing a minimal number of teeth. They probably eat raw steaks, and could kill you if they wanted to – I suppose we’re lucky they’re content with hitting a small ball into a net.

The boys on the other hand are rightly pigeonholed as the ultimate lads of Lufbra. They all listen to The Wombats and wear the same Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved polo. If you’re still struggling, they always carry their stick to make sure you know exactly who they are.

These legends partake in the most extreme initiations which makes them one hundred times cooler.  I mean who doesn’t look up to a lad who can brush his teeth with fish paste?

If you join you also get to play regular games of gay chicken, and if you lose, you get to have your head shaved. These guys are the banter kings.

Tennis

Probably the most all round perfect group of people you will ever lay your eyes on.

They’re always tanned as they spend their summer holidays coaching at Tennis camps in Paris and Madrid for fat, spoilt, English kids who need to lose a bit of weight.

Even though their training regime is gruelling, they all still manage to get at least a 2:1 which they all humbly insist they did not deserve, under their perfectly white set of teeth.

They stroll through campus with their Wilson rackets, smiling at all the Freshers as they walk past, in the hope of inspiring them to follow in Federer and Nadal’s footsteps.

The only downside of a Tennis player is that they are exceptionally loud on the court and in the bedroom. They’re incessant screaming can be seemingly attractive and kinky at first, but after the fifth moan of terror you’ll wish you could just shove tennis balls down their throat in the hope they shut up.

Football

The lesser-spotted footie player tucked away at that stadium is very rarely seen or heard.

These semi-professionals are very much in name and not spirit. To get into this squad you’ll need a story from when you played for the under 12 Man City team and at least one tattoo of either the Liverpool crest, or of their best mate Todd’s name on their arse which they got on that celebratory trip to Magaluf after their GCSE’s.

Dubbed the pretty boys of sport, they’re the type to go on group trips to Supertan Loughborough to top up their weekly sun bed addiction. They’re a bit like the Jersey Shore boys, but with less game.

Don’t be deceived, like the rugby squad this pack of wolves will pounce on any weakness so if you’re in the 4’s, unlucky.

If you’re wondering why you haven’t seen many of these guys around campus its because most of them are at the college. Poor souls.

Netball

The Lufbra Netball girls are the Mean Girls of sport. If Regina George was willing to bump you off and push you into a bin to get where she wanted, the netball girls are the same on the court.

Forget about the tame games you and I may have played way back when. No seriously, drown out your old coach shouting, “Pivot girls, Pivot!” These girls show us that an actual pivot looks nothing like the exaggerated twirl you mastered in Year 10.

From Goal Attack to Center, their games are fuelled by adrenaline, aggression, power and speed but if you saw them on a night out I can guarantee you’d look twice. They’re the beautiful girls that you should be terrified of as they’ll put your name in their burn book without question.

She might be The Beast on the court but she probably turns into Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at night. They’ve got it all, and it’s so unfair.

Lacrosse

The boys who play Lacrosse are the types of people who were the thugs at Eton – they’d force first years to take a leaf out of Cameron’s book and shag a pig’s head, while repeatedly beating them with their sticks.

The ladies who play this sport make Holly Holm look like a fairy, sporting names such as Beatrice, Agatha and Pippa, who all went to the same boarding school in Surrey.

Even though the Lacrosse players are even more aggressive than the New Zealand rugby team if they performed the haka while on speed, they’re the type of people to congratulatory spank each other in the showers with their Lacrosse sticks after a good win.

They’re the type of people to put a vodka-soaked tampon up their arse with no questions asked, while wearing boat shoes and a Jack Wills polo that their Aunty Evangeline bought  for them last Christmas.

All jokes aside, they’re all incredibly hard working and talented sports people, besides from inciting an immense amount of fear onto other students.

Quidditch

The average Quidditch player stands firm in their love for Harry Potter, evident by the Loughborough Longshots, the quidditch team at Luff and an extension of the Harry Potter society.

They are creative, have insane hand eye coordination and most importantly, they are confident. Forget about the bravado of the rugby team for a second and think about how much stick you’d get for competitively doing what most of us wanted to do as a child, but thought it best to leave in Hogwarts.

You imagine their names to be things like Hermione and Draco, whilst their mascot should resemble something of a Hippogriff.

Although it’s a bit of a let down that there aren’t any Bludgers flying around the pitch, breaking limbs as they go along, the players are not afraid to get a bit touchy while holding a long stick between their legs. Madame Hooch would be proud.

It is a full on contact sport and requires attention to move the quaffle, a deflated volleyball, across the playing field skillfully, avoiding jousting your opponents never regions along the way. No foul play here.

Cricket

Played by people called Oscar or Luke – they’re almost real men, but not really there yet. This is the perfect way to explain the type of people who play this sport.

Oscar and Luke will spend their lives attempting to explain to you the rules of cricket, like you give a shit how many overs and runs you need to win the game.

It’s the sport played by people who never quite made it when trying out for their primary school football team. The only good thing about cricket is that they have a tea break half way through, where they eat cucumber sandwiches and scones as this is your only escape from this boring game.

The type of boys who partake in this sport are the types whose mums still do their washing, and clean up their vomit from a heavy night of three VKs.

Cricket players will always tell you how amazing the game is, and how they’re a massive group of lads, when in fact they’re the type to cry over Hollyoaks whilst drinking a cup of tea made by their granny.

Swimming

Swimming is a sport littered with skimpy Speedos, false drug allegations and the well-groomed middle-class.

They train eight days a week, have absolutely no body hair and are probably insomniacs. The lads always have a swimming girlfriend you’ll never meet.

These guys were given their Frosties 50m badge before you could walk, and were always the envy of everyone in the primary school swimming classes. They’re the ones that evolved into Gyarados before anyone else even learnt Splash.

They have a pet goldfish named Rupert and eat their Gillyweed using a trident.To be fair these guys are genuinely nice people, extremely talented and always ripped.

But let’s face it: unless you’re Michael Phelps, you’re never going to be famous.

Athletics

Who even are the Athletics students? They probably spend 20 hours a day at HiPAC, making sand angels in the long jump sand box.

On average, they’re a pretty average bunch who love cross country and the outdoors far too much. You can imagine they go on mountain climbing holidays with their Cocker Spaniel who they try and race up hills as this is their idea of fun.

You can imagine that when they were at primary school everyone despised them in PE because of how they actually managed to complete the 1600m without throwing up or passing out.

Athletics is a vague term itself, perfectly summing up the students who refer to themselves as this – they’re pretty bland and boring, with no distinctness about them whatsoever, apart from the fact that they work their absolute balls off in the hope of getting into Olympics.

But to be honestly who wouldn’t? If you’re an Athletics student at Lufbra, you’ve got a pretty decent chance.