Everything that has and will ever happen at FND

Going to the beloved union on a Friday night can be one of the more predictable events from your uni week.

Here’s a comprehensive list of pretty much everything that has ever happened and will probably happen to you on the FND dance floor.

1. You and your mates end up arriving late from a rushed Lambrini-fuelled pre drinks to the longest queue you’ve ever seen, winding all the way around to the back entrance of LSU that no-one uses.
2. You skip past Hugo and the lads at the back and jump in about halfway, right by the Opticians that no one goes to.
3. things get claustrophobic. You waddle towards the entrance while grinding on a poor man’s Peter Andre look-alike.
4. You stare into the distance and avoid eye contact with the power crazy bouncers as a lad shouting “Alan” forces his way through to the front.
5. Your decision to select the shortest of four potential entrance queues backfires as you wait in a suffocating cloud of Lynx Chocolate.
6. You end up somehow picking the longest one. Every time.
7. You and your mates disperse to avoid giving the Rag collectors any of your Jagerbomb money.
8. OMI’s “Cheerleader” comes on.
9. You take a lap of the building, starting with Cogz, then Room 1, and ending up in Fusion, before realising this was all a big mistake.
10. You spot the thirsty guys talking about pulling.
11. You spot the thirsty guys trying to pull.
12. You don’t spot anyone pulling. This is Lufbra after all.
13. The music is shit and you’re tired of bumping into that guy you don’t like and being forced to ask about how his course is going so you buy yourself 3 VK’s and strawpedo them in thirty seconds.
14. “Cheerleader” plays again.
15. You check your phone its 12:45 and fuck you’re too sober for this shit.
16. You go to the bar in the piazza and ask for the most money efficient mind-numbing combination of drinks you can afford.
17. You then realise that it’s probably a Nasty and three more VKs.
18. You check your phone: it’s 12:47 and fuck you’re too drunk for this shit.
19. You somehow find yourself in the JC’s smoking area.
20. Luckily that £1.20 you avoided giving to charity is still in your pocket so you approach the guy in the Adidas jacket who looks like he was a scouse pill dealer in a previous life and ask for a rolly.
21. You don’t even smoke but your drunk alter-ego does.
22. As you wander back towards Room One. Calvin Harris is playing and chat shit to seven different people that your awkward and anti-social sober self would of avoided.
23. You spot people you would normally talk to sober and quickly jeer at them from a distance.
24. Somebody says a word that sounds slightly like photograph so you decide that this is the one moment you’d like to capture permanently in time.
25. In hindsight you decide you never wanted to be a model anyway.
26. You have a look around and everyone is having fun, you decide to pretend to do the same by singing along to “Cheerleader”.
27. The next hour is a blur of generic House, dribbling, and watching groups of students have shuffle-offs in Cogz.
28. You find yourself nearly having fun but you reign it in because you’re a miserable bastard.
29. The next thing you recall is stumbling to Papa Si’s and ordering a cheesy chips.
30. You go to sleep and wake up next to the one that always listens when you need it most: the intact cheesy chips.