A pretender’s guide to your first drum and bass night

So edgy he can pull off old school Abercrombie and still look the part

Ladies: leave the bodycon dress, fake tan and extensions at home. This isn’t TOWIE. Or Revs.

Embrace crop tops, tight black jeans and trainers (same as above). Be prepared for your make-up to sweat out and make you look like a cross between Voldermort and The Joker. Also the more accessories the better: scrunchies, hooped earrings and bindis are encouraged. Cultural appropriation is okay if you look good while doing it, guys.

Crop top, scrunchie, shuffle: perfection.

What to drink

Red Stripe. This Jamaican delicacy is the ultimate wavey drink, so make sure you buy a trusty 4-pack in Londis even though it’s two pounds more expensive than everything else. The true poshos among you should stick to Glen’s vodka mixed with some fizzy fruity alternative such as Fanta Fruit Twist.

VK’s and pitchers must be avoided. This isn’t a sports social. If you insist on drinking these lurid alternatives, make sure you do so in the dark corners of the club, right next to the talkative guy who will tell you his life story while offering gum, Chuppa Chups and strawberry flavoured Vaseline.

Dancing

If you’re not familiar with the current tech-house or drum and bass releases, find the latest top rated playlist on Mixmag or FACT and practise your shuffling skills. Also make sure you’ve brushed up on the headliners so when they play that track you’ll know when to put your gins fingerz up as the bass drops and sing along when the looped lyrics kick in.

Most importantly…

Just enjoy the night. This will be the beginning of your alternative uni life where skanking in sweaty, underground clubs with shady men called “Snake Eyes” are the norm.

There’ll be some euphoric highs and catastrophic lows, but the one constant will be a sick Instagram of you and you pals looking edgier than a dodecahedron.