If you can’t eat with proper table manners, you should starve

There is nothing worse than being halfway through your meal and receiving a splat of someone else’s carbonara on the side of your plate. 

When people-gazing, I have come to the realisation the human race has no table manners whatsoever. They are genuinely, as a whole, revolting.

Although you do get the general few whose parents successfully taught them how to eat in public, we are still unfortunate enough to have to witness people eating in such a way that would even put Gemma Collins off finishing her meal.

Eating with your mouth open

The cardinal sin of etiquette resides with the “eating-while-one’s-mouth-is-open” issue. This should not involve anyone over the age of three.

Why do you feel the need to chew loudly, with their food sloshing around all over the place? No one wants to see the inner workings of your Caesar salad.

There was a girl in my fresher year at uni who I refused to eat with after the Christmas holidays as she felt the need to slap her lips together so loudly when we were eating, I used to retch.

Eating and talking

This then tends to lead onto talking with your mouth full.

Why would you even bother to do this? Not only is it strenuous on your jaw, but you run the risk of spitting out half of your meal.

That’s such a waste of food.

And yet again, it’s just disgusting. Please stop.

Double Dipping

If you’re sharing a portion of chips with someone, do not dip your golden wonder into some ketchup, suck the ketchup off and then re-dip.

Don’t even eat the part of the chip that has some condiment on it, and then re-dip the non-sauced part.

No one wants spit embedded in their sauce. If they did, they’d pitch to Heinz their need for “Heinz tomato ketchup: Spit Edition”. No one wants this. So don’t do it.

No. Just no.

Wiping your fingers on your plate and licking them

Urgh.

Were you born in a barn? Probably not as even the most dirty of animals wouldn’t do this.

Although this isn’t as common as the other three obscenities, it is by far the worst, as this act involves having to watch the person wipe a liquid substance all over their sauce-infested tongue.

Do you people have no shame?

Before anyone accuses me of being shallow, if you have never been repulsed by someone’s unnecessary chewing habits then you are either lying to yourself or you have bad table manners.

If you are one of these people, you should be humiliated as I can guarantee you are a legitimate target for ridicule among your friends.

I wish for a world where one day everyone has the ability to enjoy their food without feeling the need to ruin it for everyone else because they lack basic skills that they should have been taught in their toddler years.