This is what your course says about your horoscope predictions this year
Stereotyping? Don’t know what you’re on about
Let’s face it, although we all pretend we don’t trust horoscopes, a lot of us still read them. Don’t lie to yourself, we’ve all met the classic nerdy Virgo student or the wild Leo party animal and thought: “Wow, this type of person really exists”.
But you can abandon the “asking for your birthday” red flag jokes, because these horoscopes are based on a much more factual source of information that really speaks volume about the person you truly are – your uni course.
Are you ready to know about your new adventures? Who knows, this horoscope could save you from what you don’t want to happen. Make sure you follow the tips and trust your intuition – or just don’t and carry on with your life. Won’t make much difference to the Horoscope Course Gods.
You are about to discover what will happen next:
Put that polo shirt and dark blue trousers outfit combo down right now, because you’re about to read something much more interesting than your ambiguous finance lecture about cryptocurrency or stocks will ever be.
Your tax-avoiding, mega-rich grandparents in Spain are so proud of your academic success that they have a photo of you as a seven year old with missing teeth in a gold frame, and smile at it occasionally while bank transferring you another £1000 for some coke on a night out.
You may or may not have chosen your course solely based on wanting to make ridiculous amounts of money after watching the Wolf of Wall Street. Although Margot Robbie isn’t behind the corner, a huge pile of macroeconomics books is, so good luck with that.
Some day you’ll also slowly start to heal from your past Goldman internship rejection.
You pay a lot of attention to details, but details seem to disappear when you realise you’ve spent most of the lectures with your eyes closed trying to have a nap.
Although your disastrous sleeping pattern can seem harmless, you will find yourself struggling with the new elective module you choose without really knowing anything about it, and that lack of sleep won’t do bits in the long run. Look after yourself boo, and get some goddamn rest.
Your current romantic relationship is going great, but remember all good things eventually come to an end, much like your glory days of Further Maths A Level, so enjoy it while it lasts.
You are the classic last-minute student, who seems completely chaotic to everyone else but always miraculously ends up having way more fun.
It will soon be that time of the year where exams hit hard, and you’ll probably be found in a dark corner of a library after having spent two days eating microwavable noodles and not taking showers. All of this only to write your essay on Morgenthau and Waltz for your International Relations class, who you just don’t care about at all however hard you try.
You chose your course because you’re not sure what to do with your life – like a lot of students – but good things are coming, so trust the process.
You are about to embarrass yourself on a night out trying to impress your new crush by talking about Freud, inevitably ending up at the Oedipus complex, which no one wants to hear about over a smoke break at 2.00am.
Surprise, you’re not that successful. Try and change the topic of conversation. You might be surprised how many people like talking about types of psychological personalities instead, or rather, just really like talking about themselves.
Just like all the stats exams you weren’t prepared for in this degree, something else unexpected will pop up and hit you like a ton of bricks soon. Good or bad is for you to say.
You should be legally blind with the amount you have to squint to look at that whiteboard with Pride and Prejudice written on it in font size two, but don’t worry- you will eventually find the thick pair of glasses you lost months ago, and can happily add them to your succulent, tote-bag, vegan substitute Emily Mariko salmon-rice aesthetic.
Also, watch out for the lamppost. You might get too distracted by walking and reading at the same time. Or too distracted romanticising your life far too much.
Arts and sciences
You have many different interests and are not so sure where you want to go in life. You had to lie to your parents and told them you applied for an economics degree because otherwise, they wouldn’t pay your tuition fees.
Now you’re here still trying to convince them that the one PPE module you’re taking is close enough to economics to get away with it, and failing miserably.
You will finally get over your commitment issues by meeting someone cute on a dating app, who finally doesn’t just want to hook-up. You are also very creative and will soon be able to use your artistic side with your new part-time job – it’s unpaid for now, but who knows where it will go if you impress.
Competition makes you thrive but don’t get too excited, because competition can also mean drama. Trying to be top of the class comes at a price in your friend group, who are all trying to girl-boss their way too close to the sun just like their guru Elle Woods.
You’ll soon find yourself drowning in pages to read and memorise by heart, but if you think about your future wage in that cool law career you always wanted, you can make it through.
After Covid, you may feel more inclined to open your heart to past loves- do yourself a favour and just don’t. You’re a completely new person now to who you were before lockdown, and you deserve a lot better in this new chapter.
If you’re reading this and are astounded by how accurate these horoscopes are, you should know the Tab can read you like a book. If you’re reading this and don’t understand anything because it’s too niche, no you’re not.