Your Tabony Aunts are here to answer all your Valentine’s worries and concerns

Don’t be like Bridget this Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is not always cute cards and bouquets of flowers. Often it can be a stressful time for couples that comes with lots of questions and expectations.

The Tab put together a team of dedicated Agony Aunts (Tabony Aunts) to answer all of the Valentine’s related questions you may have this year. In these extraordinary circumstances, it’s so hard to find answers to all the questions you may have.

So here we are, doing what we can to take off some of the pressure of Valentine’s Day.

If you have doubts sometimes about your relationship, should you end it?

I think if you’re asking yourself if you should end your relationship, you’re almost answering your own question. Ultimately it comes down to whether the good in your relationship outweighs the bad. If you can hand on heart say that your partner makes you happy for the majority of the time then stay with them. 

However, a relationship isn’t a battle, you’re having doubts that are stemming from irresolvable issues in your relationship you don’t need to fight it. It’s more than okay to accept your relationship isn’t working and to walk away from it. 

We’ve created this idea that once you enter into a relationship with someone you are duty-bound to them, but it’s not the case. Ultimately your duty first and foremost needs to be to yourself and if you’re doubting whether your relationship is what is right for you right now, walk away from it.

I hope this guy asks me out on Valentine’s Day

That’s amazing! 

First things first, and this may seem cliche but, please don’t get disheartened if he doesn’t. We often find ourselves forgetting that just because we are ready to take the next step, others aren’t and unfortunately we have no control over how much time they will need.

If you both are behaving and acting in a way that seems as if you are in a relationship then it seems like that’s the green light for you both to take that step of putting a label on it if that’s what you both want to do. 

Keep in mind that you have got to stay true to your own gut feeling and if you feel ready, why not take the next step and ask him yourself? The worst he is going to say is “no” and even then the only people that are going to know are yourself and him. Should he choose to tell people then that may be a red flag for you to investigate if he feels the need to tell others private business that doesn’t concern them. 

Good luck and we’re all rooting for you here at The Tab!

When we have sex my boyfriend always finishes and I never cum. What do I do?

Tell him! Sex needs to be just as much about your pleasure as it is his, and in a serious relationship like this, it is vital that you both know where you stand. Maybe he is completely unaware that you don’t finish or doesn’t think that it is a necessity from sex. Society has a way of normalising men’s sexual pleasure and making women’s invisible, so either way, he needs to know how you feel and that you have every right to enjoy sex as much as he does.

If you make him aware and it still doesn’t happen during sex, there are other things you can do too, so don’t worry! Let him know what you like or experiment if you’re unsure. This is a two-way thing so both of you should be able to feel pleasure and enjoy making the other feel good.

Communication is honestly the best solution for these kinds of topics, but they are often the least talked about because of the ‘taboo’ around sex. As long as you are open with your boyfriend about your sexual needs and he is with you, you’ll be able to figure out what gives you both pleasure, even if it means different things for each person. He may love sex but you prefer something else to make you cum, and that is absolutely okay!

Will I ever meet someone who can truly love me and risk for me? Maybe I’m unloveable?

I can’t even tell you how many times I myself have felt like this and I can guarantee we have all felt like this at least 3 times in our teens and twenties.

You are loveable. You will find love. It will come.

We feel like we have this expectation to find our “one true love” before we’re 20 and it just doesn’t happen that way. I hate using this as a reason for answers but we are in a global pandemic. Even though at the moment we have a lot of time on our hands it simultaneously feels like we have none because we can’t do much given that we are stuck inside day in day out. 

Use this time to find what makes you happy and what you love and look for in a partner. If you feel as though you are finding yourself relying on a relationship to make you happy then unfortunately it might not be the best time for you to get into one. Relying on others for your own personal happiness can end up damaging us more than helping us.

Try surrounding yourself with good company first, have some zoom catch-ups with old pals or get a pet if that’s possible and you’re financially able to. You might just be missing the company of a new or familiar face right now and you need that reassurance that you are very worthy of love.

There are some great resources out there that I find offer extremely useful tips on how to speak more positively to and about yourself. Search on your favourite social media for positivity accounts and unfollow any accounts that are making you feel anything less than loveable.

Keep going, it does get better. 

How do I get rid of the crush I have on my lecturer?

Now, this is a difficult one. Most of us have been there and I can tell you from experience it’s an odd feeling.

You need to remember that this is a person whose job is to teach you first and foremost. Nothing more and nothing less. If you are still at university, there is nothing you can do about it. You need to be careful that it doesn’t interfere with your studies and you aren’t letting it take over your head.

If said lecturer is married then you need to try and find something or someone else to distract you. Another thing to do is just try and laugh it out and remind yourself that it is nothing more than a crush.

Most of the time this is completely harmless and something that every student will go through. However, be careful who you chose to tell this to, if anyone, as sometimes it can backfire and you might end up with an embarrassing confrontation. 

Best of luck and come back and share your tips if you manage to crush that crush!

Me and my partner have agreed our first time will be Valentine’s Day and I’m scared. How do I stay calm?

It seems like you’ve put a lot of pressure on yourself and on Valentines Day being the ‘first time’, so the first thing I’d say is to remember that Valentines is just like any other day, and it won’t be the be-all and end-all of your relationship.

The second thing is that it’s good to be scared! If the thought of having sex with them gives you butterflies and makes your heart start pumping then it’s a clear sign that you really like them. But saying this, don’t expect it to be a perfect and effortless movie scene – you’ll both be nervous so things might not run as smoothly as you’d wanted, and the best thing to do in those situations is to laugh it off. They shouldn’t make you feel embarrassed or awkward at all.

If you get there and suddenly don’t feel right, I cannot express how important it is to not go through with it, even though you’ve both agreed on something. You might find that the pressure of having sex for the first time on Valentines is too much, or you’d rather wait a bit longer, and if your partner respects you and the relationship then they will be absolutely fine with putting it off. Don’t be afraid to say no.

This is my first Valentine’s Day single, how do I make it about me and self-love?

Take the day at your own pace. Only do things that you genuinely want to do for yourself.

Don’t go out and buy loads of ice cream because that’s what Bridget Jones did. To make it a day of self-love you need to do things that make you happy. Often Valentine’s Day morphs into a day of compromise between you and your partner so take advantage of the opportunity to do things just for you.

Want to eat beans on toast and get all your laundry done that’s absolutely fine! Really can’t bear the thought of being alone on Valentine’s Day? Don’t feel guilty about calling up a friend and spending the day together.

My one top tip for the day would be: avoid dating apps, shagging a random and trying to contact your exes because without fail it will make you feel worse.

I’m really nervous about telling my girlfriend I love her. How should I do it?

Firstly, it’s okay to be nervous. It’s a big thing to say and with that said, you have to make sure you’re ready to say it. If you’re worried about her response might affect you, wait until you’re mentally in the right position to say it so that you’re equipped to deal with whatever she says.

Remember this is your truth and is a reflection of how you feel and own it. Perhaps she is in exactly the same position and just hasn’t found the right time to say it yet.

Valentine’s Day is supposedly the most romantic day of the year so why not say I love you?

There’s no correct way to do it. When telling someone you love them it’s about knowing them, knowing their personality and what makes them happy. If your partner is a lowkey person don’t go making some big grand gesture screaming I love you at the top of Primrose Hill. Likewise, if they’re some hopeless romantic don’t just chuck it into a conversation as a throwaway comment because it can be a bit disheartening.

Ultimately, be proud of telling your partner you love them and be proud of those feelings. It will all be okay in the end.

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