The ten types of UCLovers that you’re bound to come across in 2021

Tag yourselves, I’m the one that can’t let Loop go

Since blessing us with its questionable presence after disappearing at a time when we needed it most, UCLove has become a sacred gospel this year, filled with more strange content than ever before, if that’s even possible.

During your time at UCL, it is inevitable that the same types of people will crop up in every UCLove that appears on Facebook, and it will become literally the only reason why you still have the app on your phone.

From the militant top fan repliers who carry the emotional baggage of thousands of original posters (OPs) to the wholesome dog-poster who just wants to spread the love, in this grand day and age of 2021 the stereotypes are just getting clearer. So it’s only right that the Tab swoops in to give you all the low-down.

You asked for it, so we’re delivering. Here are the 10 types of UCLove contributors you’ll come across this year:

The alarmingly privileged Tory

There is a 98.7% chance that this person is white, male and in the upper middle-class bracket. Moving to London for uni after a gruelling hour drive from the home counties in the family Range Rover, he is ready to thrive with three years of voting Tory, announcing to everyone how marginalised he feels as a Tory, and practically begging for fights on UCLove about being a Tory.

As an OP, he will unapologetically announce his views on poor people as lesser human beings, and as a commenter he will most likely be telling everyone how no detriment is “unfair on those of us who’ve genuinely worked hard to get here.” Try explaining that to your twenty private tutors and Oxbridge alumni chums who put in a good word when you were applying for uni, Hugo.

However, we all love to hate him because UCLove just wouldn’t be the platform it is without the obligatory Tory input. He will always convince himself that everyone is begging for his contribution, yet will literally never get laid.

I have to hide who I truly am:(

The one who’s still thirsting over people on campus in a global pandemic

This person is in serious denial of Covid’s existence, to the point where they’ll deliberately walk around campus daily to pretend everything’s normal and base their uni experience on some hottie in the library.

The world could literally be ending and they’d still post “AM I’m the guy who keeps eye-fucking you in the Science Library, go on a date with me?” They are the kind of person who broke up the bombarding UCLove stream of White House coups, fragile masculinity and rent strikes with horny paragraphs about a 10/10 in their Zoom lectures, and we’re all slightly richer for it.

I sincerely hope that one day UCLove can once again be an anonymous thirst site that everyone prays to make it onto but never will. Life was simpler back then.

AA probably doesn’t know you exist, friend

The shit-stirrer who’s a whore for debates

A devout commenter at heart, this contributor lives for disagreeing with an OP post “for the sake of free speech” and then will argue their point to the death before claiming that they don’t actually have those views instead of admitting defeat.

Saying that, though, UCLove couldn’t even function without these people, because online bickering really is all the page has become. Someone just give them an award already because nobody should be able to argue that persuasively for Jackie Weaver’s authority in the Handforth Parish Council, and yet it happens.

If you see UCLove posts with numbered points, back away

The one who seriously needs therapy

Whether an OP venting about their mental health or a commenter that has clearly been locked down for way too long, this type of UCLover is becoming increasingly more common this year, and it makes reading through the page a very bizarre experience. On the one hand, Youtube links on how to break your own arm are pretty humorous contributions, but then again the amount of people at 5.00am hating life is frankly alarming.

I suppose we have Miss Rona to thank for these poor souls turning to UCLove before actually developing healthy coping mechanisms; UCLove is therapy enough in my humble opinion. However I do really hope that it is a good venting platform for these people, and that they aren’t too disheartened by ruthless followers tagging their friends and commenting “lol same.”

Can’t tell which one of these people needs therapy more

The one ready to drop out who just really wants a better no detriment

This person is a final year student who’s probably juggling about 200 responsibilities on top of actually passing their degree, and is ready to disappear from the face of the Earth if it means she doesn’t have to stress about no detriment.

The desperation in her voice is very obviously hidden behind the “UCL are you not embarazzed” punchlines that she posts, and you can almost guarantee that in real life she spends most of the day crying and has not walked away from her laptop screen in a week. It’s got to the point that she hysterically laughs about the 1% grade boundary drop instead of coming up with a sane reaction.

Turning to UCLove to rant about the treatment students have gotten this year is a sad state of affairs indeed, especially when other commenters are more likely to boost your self-esteem than anyone of actual authority. Unfortunately though, this type of UCLover includes around 80% of final year students, and they’re just going to get worse. It will end one day, I promise.

Can no longer flex being in UCL with this no detriment drama going on

The meme-sharer who is either accidentally funny or not at all

One of the more niche categories of contributor, but by no means less iconic, is the simple and humble self-proclaimed funny person. They take too much pride in posting an amateur meme to UCLove and having it liked by 15 people who clearly have no taste in humour, and most likely resort to worshipping “Cat God” – does anyone know how that even became a thing?

To be honest we are all in need of some Bernie Sanders-themed no detriment memes right now, even if we don’t want to admit it. The meme-poster has a good heart and a sole goal of breaking up the depressive site that UCLove has become with their shower thoughts that belong to 2010 Tumblr. The rest of us just happen to be so desperate that we actually find them funny. Please, power through meme-poster.

Exactly what I needed today

The one who types 3000 word short stories for no apparent reason??

I never know how to feel about these posts. Like the chains that used to go around Facebook just to waste everyone’s precious scrolling time, it seems like the only purpose of these psychotic fan fictions is to spam any UCLover foolish enough to press “see more”.

Some will actually dedicate their time to reading these novels, and some will just squint at their screen in utter bewilderment and close the app immediately. The effect these weird people have on us is just something I’ve never witnessed before.

Honestly, I can’t even describe what gets written about. It has to be seen to be believed, and the thought that truly chills me to my core is that I could be friends with one of these shit-posters without even knowing. They’re everywhere.

Gripping from start to finish

The agony aunt who solves everyone’s problems

The most wholesome UCLove contributor by far, this person has got every single aspect of her life together despite the state of the world and is actually using their time to help others. We love you.

She is the kind of sweet Maths undergrad that everyone wishes they knew, and spends her days studying for 14 hours with a few cleaning breaks in the middle “to just relax about it all.” How you even manage to be that functional is beyond me.

The agony aunt will never post on UCLove herself, and will instead seek out the most clueless and innocent OPs to provide wisdom to in the comments section. They are literally the only helpful contributors that UCLove has and you can’t change my mind on this.

Who wouldn’t want to be told that they’re strong and independent and can use a vibrator during sex if it makes them happy by some random validating stranger on the internet?

We love to see healthy advice!

The lonely one who just needs virtual anonymous friends

Definitely a first year who really, really didn’t know what they signed up for when they moved to London, this contributor is a sad soul who must be protected at all costs. While other UCLovers rage about cultural appropriation, BDSM and Michael Spence, they’re the quiet voice in the crowd that truly believes that they can find a non-opinionated student on this platform to be their friend.

Occasionally, a lonely OP will find a lonely commenter, and beautiful sparks fly on a post about wanting to go for coffee after lockdown. Most of the time, though, they will end up disappointed and embarrassed when their post vanishes into the UCLove Pandora’s Box, and they are left to buckle up and find some real-life pals.

Please SOMEONE take just take her to a restaurant already

The one who just can’t let Loop go

I can happily say that I, like these nostalgic UCLovers, am not ready in the slightest to let go of the past. From the thirst traps posted about people we met on the sweaty underground dancefloor on a Wednesday night to some juicy gossip that happened in the smoking area, the post-Loop UCLove posts were a gold standard that may never be reached again.

This person routinely makes a point of posting something about needing Loop back or using their queue-jump to get the vaccine once a week, just to stick to UCLove’s true roots. They live and breathe for the party bus from Phineas, dressed in some homemade and inexplicable costume and ready to neck on with five random hockey girls all in one night in order to beat the society record.

While I want Loop back just as much as most of you, though, I really don’t miss bumping into these people when they can’t see straight and are crying about their Thursday 9:00am to the lady selling deodorant in the toilets.

Let. It. Go.

Long live the questionable tradition of UCLove. It may be entirely unhelpful but it’s the only thing keeping many of us going right now.

PS. Y’all need therapy.