Every queer you’ll meet on the London dating scene

Techno is not a substitute for a personality

London, the home of Heaven, the Pink Palace and iconic queer venues such as the Vauxhall Tavern. A place of hope for gays across the country: the London queer dating scene. Well, it’s all LIES.

Like the boys and the girls, the London queer dating scene is deeply disappointing. We are here to tell you that finding your Roscoe or your Asttina in real life is harder than trying to find loo roll in the first lockdown.

However, to alleviate the shock and disappointment we have put together a guide of all the queers you will meet on the London dating scene.

“Do you like my new dungarees?” 

Really? Another pair of dungarees, to add to your collection which now spans over 2 wardrobes. Here we have your arts queer. Typically spotted on the overground reading a poetry anthology they bought in a second-hand shop. 

They don’t own a single item of clothing that doesn’t have paint on it. Not a single one. If you don’t like art and literature, your conversation is going to dry up after about 2 minutes. However, if you do you might have just found the love of your life. 

“I just feel at one with nature” 

Meet your nature queer. Permanently clad in grandpa jumpers watering their house plants. Your nature queers are known for their love of lush products and bicycles- no literally they cycle everywhere. 

They will invite you over for dinner for your first date without realising that all they have in their house is pitta bread, peanut butter and hummus. So you better like your bread and condiments because it’s all you’re getting.

“We’ll make sure God loves you”

Meet your keen to convert Christian friends. Whilst you want them to love you, they want you to love God- totally glossing over the fact in the Catholic Church’s eyes you’re already excommunicated.

If you stumble across them on your socials they’ll be getting the block and if you’re unfortunate enough to land yourself on a date with them, you’ll be making your excuses 10 minutes in as you rush off to tend to your sick cat.

“I do high fashion couture for Tescos” 

These queers are walking works of art- it doesn’t matter whether they’re going to the local co-op or to the opera they came to slay. Their style combines 18th-century court decadence with seductive 70s leather and fishnets. 

You will find them roaming the streets of Dalston smoking their liquorice paper cigs by day and being the robin hood of poppers by night. 

Dating a fashion queer comes with its own risks. Without doubt, they will break your heart because they are surrounded by so much adoration and everyone wants to date them. 

“This is all so new to me”

 These gaybies are your classic closeted at home and out at uni. Coming from their small, conservative country towns straight into London the change hits them hard. They are WILD (until they have to return back home and you’ll see them waiting for the bus in their unfitted jeans and the Next hoodie their mum bought them). 

These queers are total liabilities. They will have sex anywhere- because they can. Any time- because they can. Anddd with anyone because they can.

“Gay people can be Tories you know” 

Meet your intensely Tory queer. Confused as to how and why they exist, aren’t we all. Part of the intrigue of a Tory queer is how they can be Tory AND queer, so you’ll have an insightful conversation with them for all of 45 minutes. 

Then you’ll come to realise they’re actually crazy and they have problematic views aplenty. You’ll meet them in an old man pub and eventually, you’ll come to question whether it was the oppressive atmosphere of the pub or their oppressive views that made you leave.

“I should’ve been born in the 80s” 

If the night out isn’t 80s icons, Whitney Houston classics or Cher forever then they aren’t coming. They know the words to every single song that came out between 1980 and 2000 and they can dance too. 

Flirty, fun but after a few too many drinks seriously embarrassing. Also, you start to realise your 80s queers are a bit of a broken record and they just want to relive a decade they weren’t born in again and again and again. 

“Hey you’re really cute, my boyfriend and I were wondering if you wanted to have a threesome” 

Says every cute girl in her het relationship looking to “spice things up a bit”. Just don’t go there. Save yourself. 

If you do, there is a danger you’ll catch feelings for one of the involved parties but you’ve somehow forgotten that they will ALWAYS put their relationship first and you were “just an experiment”. 

“My ass looks fucking amazing today”

You’ve just walked into a conversation with a vain queer and you are in for talking about them and how fit they are for the next hour and a half. They think their ass looks fucking amazing every day and will not shut up about it. If you go for dinner, they will spend more time flirting with the waiter than acknowledging you.

However, it must be noted that their style of flirting is going on a monologue about themselves. It’s not even worth trying to divert the conversation onto another topic because it just won’t work.

“Anyone need a condom? I have loads!”

Meet your fairy gayparent. You won’t necessarily want to date them but they will teach you the ins and outs of queer life. They’ll run you down on all the sex FAQs you’ve never had the opportunity to ask, care for you through all your heartbreak and always be on standby if you need a drinking buddy. Known for their iconic pres, chic style and the ability tobefriend everyone.

Dating them is like dating a BNOC because everybody knows them and has this unparalleled level of respect for them. You will get free drinks on nights out, free entry to clubs and all the sweetest perks you can imagine.

For many, they are the dream date because all those parent issues are suddenly resolved with your very own new gayparent.

“Seriously though, what’s your star sign?”

Astrology queers. Whilst on first impressions you might think they’re high you’ll actually realise they’ve just had a bit too much green tea. A dream first date will consist of taking you to a Tarot Card reading, or if you get lucky, they will carry out the reading themselves. Within a week they will tell you that your stars have collided and that the universe meant for you to be together.

When it all becomes a bit overwhelming and you walk away they will start sharing loads of angsty glossyzodiac posts about how you betrayed them.

“I just think Peggy Gou is too mainstream these days”

Techno snobs. They overhauled their entire personality upon coming to London and now they live and breath pretentious techno. However, what they haven’t quite grasped is that no one else really cares. Leave Peggy be, she’s got some bops.

You’ll try going out to Dalston Superstore but you’ll end up leaving because your techno snob will do nothing but criticise the musics, the surroundings, the people. Slowly, it will start to become clear that techno is not the only thing they are snobbish about.

After 3 dates you’ll decide to leave it because it’s too boring listening to this elitist techno monotony.

“We’re going to Heaven do you wanna come?”

Interchange Heaven with any gay club, and imagine hearing the same sentence every night of the week. These queers make you question whether they’re truly human or just clubbing machines because they are out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Heaven, Circa, G.A.Y., Circa, Dalston Superstore, Vauxhall Tavern.

Not only do they make it out every single night but they are always the last ones standing. They definitely have a way to get you queue jump at all the best venues because “oh I just know them by now” because they are there night after night. They’ll also introduce you to their fave sugar daddies who fund their drinking habits in these establishments.

The issue with dating your chronic clubber is that they refuse to do anything else on a date if the evening will not involve spilt drinks and dancing for 75 per cent of the evening, they are not interested. They don’t wanna get to know your personality they just wanna see you can vogue and that you know all the words to every song that comes on in the club.

“Personally I prefer Derrida’s account of nihilism”

Philosophy queers consider themselves to be the intellectual elite of the queer dating scene. However, conversing with them is arduous and for the most part painful because WHO wants to be talking about whether or not everything is meaningless 5 drinks in?

When they’re not presenting you with their philosophical thesis, they’ll talk at you about their passion for Russian literature (seriously its always Russian). Informing you of how the personally relate Dostoevsky’s writings and Anna Karenina’s suffering. Touching though it is, you will find yourself asking whether these individuals genuinely believe the crap that comes out of their mouth because it is all crap.

“I wear flannels because otherwise, I look too straight”

Your vanilla queers, who are trying their gayest to look a bit queerer. The sad truth is these queers have made their voyage from the home counties to the capital where it is suddenly okay to be gay. However, still firmly grounded in the countryside and their parents’ conservative attitudes they are uncertain about how to make it clear they are out.

Cue the flannel. A powerful tool used as a symbol of queer status. How to pull on a night out, whack on the flannel. How to chat someone up at the co-op, a power flannel. Trying to make a fashion statement, always got to be a flannel.

“I’m a gold star gay”

Meet your proud goldstars. They are proud of their purity and the fact that they have never slept with a member of the opposite sex. These queers have an air of indescribable confidence that makes them both hilarious and savages all at the same time.

They love to throw around straight as an insult, you’ve spilt a drink “oh you straightie”, your t-shirt is white “god you look so straight rn”, your chat is bad “god you’re such a straight”.

Whilst they love insulting the straights, these queers don’t have the slightest idea on how to roll so will always be found handing out their straights on a night out and asking others to roll for them.

“Why haven’t I heard a single song from Chromatica yet?”

Okay, we get it, you’re a Gaga stan but we’ve already played Rain on Me 7 times at this party, is that not enough for you?

There is no more than can be said about these queers except every conversation you ever will centre on Lady Gage, best get the Fame Monster on repeat so you’re word perfect by date two!